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I often hear from people who want to know if their marriage has a chance after being unfaithful or having an affair. They are often dealing with a very angry spouse who feels many negative emotions towards them. So things can seem a bit desperate, especially at first.
I recently heard from a wife who said in part, “I had an affair a couple of months ago. It didn’t last long and I didn’t even think about leaving my husband. In fact, I still love my husband and I desperately want to save my marriage. But my Husband openly admits that he hates me for having an affair. He says he’s willing to try to save our marriage. But his tone of voice doesn’t give me much hope. Me with hatred in his eyes. I understand why he feels the way he does. He does and I don’t blame him at all. But does my marriage stand a chance when he feels so much hatred towards me now? Or should I save both of us a lot of heartache and walk away now? “
These are difficult questions because the answers vary depending on the couple and the circumstances involved. However, often you won’t know if your marriage has a chance until you hang on and see for yourself. If you give up and walk away, you may never really know what might have happened if you had seen it through to the end. With that said, there are things you can do to give your marriage a better chance at survival, which I will discuss later.
Understand that your spouse who has strong emotions can actually be a positive sign: I know this may not make sense to you right now, but having your spouse claim to hate you or even show extreme anger towards you is not always the worst thing you can experience. Because your spouse’s strong feelings can indicate how much you care. If he had no real or strong feelings for you, his reaction may not be as dramatic or strong as it is right now. For me, it is always more discouraging to see a spouse quietly walk away without much fanfare or anger. This reaction is more indicative that the marriage is less likely to survive. Because the betrayed spouse is not experiencing strong emotions, they are more likely to end up completely with very few regrets for the same thing.
What you might be seeing is hatred for your actions rather than actual hatred for you: I have to be honest and admit that I told my husband that I hated him countless times after he cheated on me. And I meant every word that I said in that moment. It took me a while to realize that I hated what he was doing instead of hating him as a person. I don’t think it’s that common to go from feeling love to feeling hate in the blink of an eye. Yes, you can absolutely hate the fact that your spouse betrayed you and had an affair. You may hate your judgment and your lack of impulse control. But sometimes you realize that you don’t really hate them as a person.
Once I calmed down, I couldn’t deny the fact that my husband had always been a solid person who was always there for me. I couldn’t forget how he supported me, loved me, and protected me through many years of our married life. It is very easy to forget all the good when faced with such a horrible display of the bad. But eventually, most people start to remember the good and gain a little perspective.
To get over negative feelings more quickly, you need to show your spouse some positive rehab: I understand that it probably feels horrible to hear your spouse say that even though they will try to save their marriage, they have their doubts due to their own feelings of hatred. It is normal to want to change your mind immediately. But, you need to understand that they will likely want to see various things about you before they can start to change their minds or put some of their hatred aside.
First of all, they must truly believe that you are sorry you cheated. They must believe that you understand exactly why and how you are wrong and take full responsibility for what was ultimately your own decision. They have to believe that you are so sorry that you would not dare risk your marriage like this even again. If you still don’t feel these things, it’s probably best to step back until you do. It is not fair to ask your spouse to walk away from your feelings when you are unsure of yours.
In short, if you want to be forgiven, you must act in a way that makes you forgivable. This means putting the blame exactly where it belongs: with you. It also means that you take responsibility for devising and taking the initiative on the path that will take you out of here. You shouldn’t just sit back and wait for your spouse to make all the moves or show you the way. That really depends on you. Yes, they can choose to follow you if they believe in your sincerity. But taking the first step is not really up to them. It’s your decision.
There is no answer or quick fix or overnight. Restoring trust and commitment takes time. They are likely recovering from the pain, confusion, and uncertainty they are experiencing. You can’t expect them to just immediately calm your doubts and fears for your own good. It is perfectly natural for them to feel a certain reluctance and give in to the urge to hurt you as much as you have hurt them.
This phase often doesn’t last forever, but it helps if you understand it and then validate them by telling them that you not only understand them, but you don’t blame them either. And that, because of this, you are willing to have the patience to allow them the space and time to cry before working together to recover.
