What is the eternal student? Well, literally, he’s someone who studies forever. You could say that everyone is an eternal student. But I mean that type of person who is a permanent resident at a university. The advantages of staying in college are numerous, that is, you don’t have to pay for your life. Some of the lucky ones may scam parents into paying for their stay at colleges, but the government and other scholarship organizations can occasionally be tricked into paying. There are various types of timeless students ranging from the truly dedicated to the wild partiers.
Most of the time, when one refers to an eternal student, the automatic assumption is that of the truly dedicated eternal student. This is often a student who has chosen a random and rather strange coursework. Most often, you will find these students among students of classical studies or history. The reason is simple. Nobody cares about those specialties except the people who make them up. Who really needs to specialize in Sanskrit? It is a dead language of five thousand years. So students in these types of majors can always find something ancient to study and affirm the need to study it fully before moving into the “real world.”
These students can always find something else to study because the material has been around for so long. Since no one cares about these studies anymore, these students are free to hide in the sunlight-deprived forensics of dusty libraries and remain free from liability. The greatest difficulty in being a truly Dedicated Eternal Student is lying convincingly enough that parents, friends, college, and financial backers believe that the student needs to stay well-off in their studies.
The Eternal Multi-Grade Student is a nefarious schemer. This student is the only everlasting student to have earned a degree. And they don’t just get one title, they get several. The main goal of these types of students is to have more letters after their name than in their name. They will earn a BA and a BS and an MA, MS, MPH, JD, MBA, MD, PhD, DrPH, and so on. In some ways, this Eternal Student is the most talented and conniving of all the Eternal Students.
Not only must they possess the intelligence and talent to earn these degrees, they must convince others that they really need them. However, the danger of being a multi-grade eternal student is that, unlike other eternal students, these individuals have completed acceptable levels of education. At some point, their financial support will rebel due to the immense financial economy imposed by these multiple degrees and the student is usually told to put forth effort and use their degrees. The best counterattack to these kinds of difficulties is to quit every possible job and thus, after a short interval, return to higher education.
Another eternal student destined for study is the Forever Vanguard Student. These students study cutting edge material in technology. Often times, the world assumes that these are the students who are the first to venture from the confines of college life. In this, the world is very wrong. Most of the great advances in technology are made by men and women who have made the mistake of dropping out of college and have been trying to keep up ever since. It is true that there are his Walt Disney and Bill Gate, the rare examples of young people who achieve great technological successes. But those individuals are few and far between. The Eternal Vanguard Student insists on learning the latest new technology before entering the workforce, in order to be “well prepared.” Very cleverly, by the time they finish learning the last skill, there will be new material to study.
The only problem with longtime students forced to study is that they almost always have enough or more than enough credits to complete their degree. Parents or government officials who notice this often require said student to graduate, ending their free trip. The Eternal Student of Multiple Minors manages to dodge these graduation questions by never earning enough credits to qualify as a major in a given subject. These students intelligently work out their schedules to always be without the correct requirements at the right time to have a continuous course of study.
Due to these “programming errors”, students must take alternative classes in which they “discover” new interests and the same programming problem arises. The most common excuse for these students is that they are using college to “expand their horizons.” Despite appearing unpredictable, these students are keenly aware of course timing. The only difficulty with The Multiple Minor Eternal Student is that after a period of fifteen years or so, the lines of study become restricted. Therefore, these students can often be found applying for new majors and can be thanked for many of the more curious majors found in universities today.
The basic eternal student missing is another student who does not meet the prerequisites for graduation. These students, however, study all the required coursework of their major (s). These students refrain from graduating by failing to meet certain core curriculum prerequisites. They are different from The Multiple Minor Eternal Student is that their goal is to receive all credits BUT the core course, while The Multiple Minor Eternal Student’s goal is to ONLY meet the core course requirements. Obviously, The Lack of Core Eternal Student can only be found in schools with a core curriculum, preferably an extensive one. The difficulty with this method of study is that the student must work hard in his specialty to counteract the effects of his “failed” core courses in order not to be expelled from school. These students are most easily found supporting the need for a “liberal arts education”; AKA a ridiculously long and unhelpful main class requirement.
The Eternal Transfer Student also manages your education to avoid getting real credit from a certain school. Often times, these students take a “leave of absence” to “explore” other schools. In that way, they trick the schools they attend into not granting them credit while they remain in the college lifestyle. The Eternal Transfer Student must be very astute as The Eternal Student of Multiple Minors and plan the course and the schools he attends.
If they are very good, they can fail to obtain a degree from dozens of universities. The key to this failure is choosing courses at a particular school that will not transfer to another as more than elective credit. A subset of the Eternal Transfer Student is the Eternal Study Abroad Student, which is simply a transfer student from foreign universities. This specialized eternal transfer student is a bit more difficult to maintain, due to the immense expense of traveling abroad. Another common stumbling block for the Study Abroad Student is recklessly falling in love with a foreign city or person and permanently moving abroad, thus ending their “studies.”
The latest and most infamous Eternal Student is simply called The Eternal Party Animal. The name speaks for itself. These students are the students who always manage to skip class because they are sleeping with a hangover. These students require very gullible PARENTS. The government cannot be fooled into supporting The Party Animal’s habits for long. The most common flaw among The Party Animal students is carelessness. They are so busy at the party that they don’t get enough classes to stay in school. Therefore, a smart Party Animal will only attend a school that is easy and abundant with fraternities and sororities. Schools that provide that atmosphere are more likely to indulge The Party Animal and let it thrive. The Greek system is also very supportive of Party Animal by providing instant friends, plenty of alcohol, and academic papers. A word of caution for those considering the life of The Party Animal: Most former Party Animals die of depression, cirrhosis or venereal disease.
The privilege of Student Eternity should not be taken lightly. At no other time in your life is it a) acceptable for you not to know what you are doing, b) normal for people to give you excessive amounts of money, and c) to be expected to do silly things. If you doubt that what I say is true, look at all the adults trying to go back to college; It can not be done.