For many of us it is important to be noticed, recognized and appreciated, but for some people, attention is their life blood. It is what motivates all his actions.
And if he doesn’t get positive attention, such as smiles, words of praise, and compliments, he’ll settle for negative attention, in the form of criticism, sarcasm, and dismissiveness. They consider anything better than being ignored!
I remember a client commenting that their parents were so uninterested in them that they didn’t even notice when they were acting out. Every day they tried to get attention, even resorting to disruptive behavior, but their parents remained indifferent or oblivious to all their efforts.
Then there are those who receive a great deal of care and attention when they are unwell, who then have to wrestle with the realization that once they have recovered, the full care and management of their needs will fade away. For some, there may be a reluctance to return to the independent autonomy that comes with being well.
Attention, of any kind, is an acknowledgment of our presence. It is the confirmation that we exist and we are not invisible. Someone has noticed us. But we have to make sure it’s the right kind of care.
Why does it matter so much? Why is any attention better than none?
We all see life through our own eyes, colored by our past experiences and our ongoing daily perceptions of what is happening to us. Being in a situation that we have historically found upsetting or unpleasant can cause us to become more cautious and self-protective than if we had not had those experiences. Other people’s treatment of us and how we respond can influence our view of people and how we define our role in their lives.
This is important to keep in mind if we tend to feel vulnerable when others monitor or criticize our actions. It helps to remember that comments, especially negative ones, may not be about us. However, it is not always easy to shake off that initial impression.
Other people may be stressed by what is happening in their lives, or they may be irritated by our seeming success, suspecting that perhaps we have somehow pushed them aside to get to where we are today. There may even be reasons that we don’t know or understand.
So do we strive to use their apparent discontent as a stimulus to do better, to improve, to try harder, with the ultimate goal of winning them over and receiving positive recognition? Or do we allow their negativity to reinforce our sense of not being good enough? Does their attention give us reason to accept that they care enough to comment?
Finding a voice that is strong enough to ask for a more respectful response, that shows our trust, challenges their perceptions, focuses attention on our good points, and highlights our accomplishments can ultimately change the dynamics of the relationship. If not, is it time to ask yourself if this relationship should continue to exert such a powerful influence on us?
Of course, approval does matter. It is an external yardstick to measure ourselves, helping us measure our successes, compare our actions and results. It’s hard to operate in a vacuum and that element of comparison and even competition can help propel us forward, motivating us to improve and achieve more.
And, if someone is paying the bill, hiring our services, they are entitled to a certain quality of performance and level of satisfaction. Their focus is on getting good results and getting what they are paying for.
Likewise, does doing it well mean as much if no one comments or compliments us? Is it enough to be satisfied with ourselves, proud of what we have achieved, of the hard work we have put into it? But often an additional level of satisfaction comes from other people, when they encourage and acknowledge what we’ve done, appreciate the effort we’ve put into it.
Even if we suspect that your compliments and compliments are not 100% sincere, there is a good feeling that can come from simply knowing that others have noticed us.
Those who criticize us may have their own agenda. While it doesn’t allow them to deflate our enthusiasm or demotivate us, remembering this can help us take a step back and accept that we need to work toward goals and self-improvement that benefit our own quality of life.
If other people’s negativity continues, maybe it’s time to find another ‘tribe’, to connect with people who value you, understand where you’re coming from, and encourage you to excel. Sometimes we need to take control and manage our own orbit.
Even companies have found that a small amount of attention does wonders for staff performance. Something as simple as an employee of the week or month award, where the recognized staff member has their photo posted in a visible location, such as the front desk, can make an impact and significantly improve job satisfaction levels.
When staff feel valued, appreciated, and pleased that their efforts are noticed, they are more likely to volunteer, come up with good ideas, and be more committed and loyal to the company. The right kind of care improves all of our lives.
