Many wives think that if they can finally get their husband to admit to the affair, they can finally begin the healing process, or at least they can start moving on. But often, once they finally get that admission, they are not sure what to do next. I heard a wife say: “For a long time, I knew that my husband was cheating on me. All the signs were there and also, I knew in my gut that something was very different and very wrong. But every time I asked my husband about this, he would deny it. Sometimes he would get very angry and pretend to be crazy or paranoid. This was a horrible moment in my life because I started to wonder if maybe I was just imagining things. One day, I decided that I wasn’t going to put up with this any longer and I told my husband that I wasn’t going to drop the subject until he finally told me the truth. To my surprise, he finally did. Out of nowhere, after months of denials, he finally admitted to having an affair, but said That she didn’t tell me because it was over a long time ago. Even though I had been rehearsing this moment in my own head for months, I wasn’t sure what to do. I just walked out of the room and we haven’t broached the subject since. What do I do now that I finally have an admission ? Because I am lost and insecure. I’m disappointed in myself because I feel like I’m not handling this very well. “
The first thing I did was reassure this wife that what she was experiencing was absolutely normal. We all think or assume that we will react in a way to a situation, but when that situation is starring us head-on, then the answers escape us and, in a sense, we freeze. It’s like our worst nightmare has suddenly come true. And that is why there is absolutely no harm in taking your time to orient yourself, which I will discuss below.
Don’t rush or strain. Nothing says you need to make a quick decision: There is a lot to consider in this situation, and usually a lot of information and feelings come to you at the same time. It’s very easy (and understandable) to get overwhelmed by these feelings and want some relief. This is why it can be tempting to feel like you need to make a quick decision. You really don’t. Nothing needs to change overnight. In fact, I would say that you are more likely to make an unfortunate decision if you make one when you are in such confusion. Give yourself the luxury of time.
Now sometimes your husband will panic and try to rush to forgive you or share what he might be feeling or considering. There is nothing wrong with telling you that, at this point, you just don’t know. You can tell him that he will let you know when and if he has answers, but right now, you are taking time to process what is happening and where you want to go from here. You certainly deserve it. And don’t let anyone pressure you to change this process.
Worry more about what you want to happen than what you or others think should happen: For some reason, people seem to feel fully justified in giving an injured wife unsolicited opinions during infidelity. Your friends, your family, your co-workers and even your husband or his family can feel totally free to give your opinion on what you should do. (This is why I often recommend being very careful about who you share this information with.) It can be easy to listen to these people who really care about you. But, the thing is, this is your life. It is not theirs. Try to worry more about your own thoughts and feelings because you are the one who is going to have to live with the consequences. Live your own truth, not anyone else’s.
Having said that, I must warn you that your feelings may fluctuate. Wait a minute, you may want to leave your husband and end your marriage. And the next minute, you may desperately want to figure things out. This is also normal. That’s why you shouldn’t be in a rush to make lasting decisions. There is nothing wrong with waiting and observing your husband’s behavior or evaluating his feelings and wishes as they arise. And, as you find that your feelings and desires become more consistent and persuasive, you can be more confident that you are making an authentic decision that is not overly influenced by shock and pain.
Reserve the right to reevaluate as things improve, change, or get worse – understand opportunities that may not be immediately obvious: Often times, it is very difficult to make decisions until you observe and evaluate. In other words, you don’t know at this point if you will go to counseling or if the counseling will work. You cannot predict how much rehabilitation your husband will undergo or if you will be happy with it. You cannot see how your marriage will look and feel in the future. So it’s perfectly okay to tell yourself that you can make decisions on the fly and receive more information. Your healing is likely not linear. So give yourself a break and don’t feel like you’re not making progress when sometimes you do and it’s still not apparent. Just promise to do the things that will bring improvement and relief. And be flexible enough to rule out things that don’t work. If you don’t like your counselor, allow yourself to find another or take another path.
I know it may not be obvious right now, but sometimes this is really an opportunity to assess what you want out of your life and your marriage going forward. And sometimes this creates lasting, positive change that might not have happened otherwise. Make sure you are kind to yourself. You didn’t ask for this. It’s not your fault. But it is up to you to get what you need to heal. Sometimes that’s not an easy process, but it’s usually worth it in the end. So to answer the question posed, I can’t tell you precisely what to do if you have an admission, but I can advise you from experience to take it easy and make your own needs as important as anyone else’s. This is often a gradual process that changes and evolves over time. Take it day by day and understand that if you are clear about what you want and need, sometimes you will eventually see some changes that will be really beneficial to you.
