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Our society has a nasty phrase for women who like to feel in control of their lives and relationships: “control freak.” I think this is somewhat unfair. Men who don’t like surprises and who like to ensure quality and safety are called “careful” or “cunning.” But women who have the same qualities are called controllers. This phrase is often applied to mothers and wives. It has become a catchphrase in our society. And he doesn’t hug. Men whose wives are believed to be controlling are pitied, whether their wife deserves this title or not. And eventually, this perception can become so intense that the man himself may decide that he is better off alone.
This can leave the wife (who probably just thought she was being helpful) at a loss. Many of these women don’t feel too controlling. And when her husband insists they are, she can feel like a real slap in the face. Many wonder if they can change their behavior, but want to try for the good of their marriage.
Someone might describe this situation: “My husband has been staying in a hotel near your office for about ten days. He told me last night that he doesn’t plan to come home anytime soon. He says the reason for this is that he is not happy to be married.” because I’m just too controlling. He says he feels like a kid who never grew up being married to me. He says I try to control everything about him: how he dresses, what he eats, how he relates to his friends, his job, and our marriage. He says I’ve almost taken away his free will and he doesn’t even feel at peace in his own house. At first, I was angry at his words. I “felt like he was insulting me. Later, I talked to my mom about it and she very kindly told me that she can see why my husband feels the way she does. She says I may be a control freak. She says that Sometimes, this is for my benefit. But when I deal with other people, it’s not. I see what she says and I would like to change. . I’m not sure how effective it will be because this is honestly part of my personality and always has been. But I am willing to try anything. The problem is that my husband isn’t really receptive because he doesn’t think I’m going to try, much less that he’s going to succeed. How can I get him to give me that chance?”
I’ll answer that question in a moment. But before I do, I want to discuss why you might be a bit controlling and why you need to stop. I think this can help you understand your way of thinking and your motivations. And know that I say this with all kinds of love because I am absolutely a control freak. But I had to tone it down because it was seriously damaging my marriage.
Your motivations when you are too controlling: This is what is so unfortunate. People perceive that you are controlling because you are mean, self-centered, or abrasive. I think nothing could be further from the truth. I can only speak for myself, but my own inclination to control is motivated by love and the desire to protect.
I can honestly say that my biggest fear is that something will happen to those I love. My goal in life is to keep those who are important to me out of harm’s way. To that end, I care as much as I try to control. And I think to some extent the desire to control is an attempt to quiet worry. We think that if we have some ability to control those we love, we can keep them out of harm’s way, we can make sure they have a better life, and we can help them avoid mistakes that can be painful. Everything is done with love. We don’t do it to punish them. We really think we’re doing it to help them.
How the people we love perceive this and how it really hurts them: Although we know that our attempt to control is really meant to be loving, our loved ones may not always understand this. The adults in our lives will think we don’t respect them enough to believe they can take care of their own lives. Or they will feel that we are some kind of bullies or micro-managers. They may feel that we do not see them as competent enough to handle their own problems. And they can die that lack of freedom.
What we need to accept: Here is the end result I got to learn. Control does not deprive those we love of bread. Worry does not insulate any of us from the difficulties of life. It simply means that we cannot fully enjoy the moment. We cannot control what happens, as much as we like it. We can make reasonable and loving efforts to keep our family safe, happy, and error-free. But beyond that, we just have to love them and hope for the best. And we have to believe that they are good, intelligent, sensitive people who can take care of themselves. Because if we don’t allow them that right, they will resent us. And our hand will almost paralyze them. And because of this, we can get the very thing we’ve been trying to avoid all this time: the destruction of our family.
How to convince him that you can change: This is probably the most complicated part of all. Because if you try to make her change her mind by insisting that you will change, then you are controlling again, you are taking away her free will. Ironically, I think you almost have to take a step back in this situation. Because if not, how does he begin to believe in your sincerity?
I think you can try a response like, “I respect what you’re saying. I hear you. I accept that this is something I need to work on and change. However, I can’t expect you to believe that I’m going to change just because I tell you I am.” .I would love the opportunity to show it to you but you have to be the one to make that decision I can promise you if you did you won’t regret it I was sincerely acting it out of love but now I realize it was too much and it seemed disrespectful. I wish I could take it back, but I can’t. All I can do is hope you give me a chance to prove that to you. I’m sincere and I respect that you can handle things yourself.”
Then, in the coming days and weeks, you should continue to exhibit this accepting behavior. You have to back up what you say. This is hard. Old clothes are hard to break. But you have to watch your behaviors and when you are tempted to control, ask yourself if your husband, an adult, is capable of making this decision on his own. The vast majority of the time, the answer is yes. You married this man because you found him intelligent and more than capable, right? So you have to live that. You have to accept that he is capable of handling his own life and your marriage. And you have to show it through your actions.
