It’s normal to look at your spouse differently after finding out that they’ve cheated on you and had an affair. You may even come to believe that they have drastically changed (both in their personality and outlook).

An example of this is someone’s perspective on romantic love and falling in love. Often the cheating spouse will almost put the other person, and the relationship, on a pedestal, especially at first. They do this for a number of reasons, but the main one is that building the relationship makes it easier to justify and carry out. The cheating relationship must be terribly “special” or “weird” to justify taking such a big risk for it.

So yes, cheating spouses can almost have an unrealistic crush on the relationship and on the other person. Unfortunately, this doesn’t always end completely once the matter does. You may find yourself with a spouse who has a new perspective on relationships and love in general. For example, a wife might say, “Honestly, even when we were dating, I would never have called my husband romantic. He could certainly be sweet when he wanted to. But my husband is a very practical person. He will buy gifts and show appreciation on special occasions.” , but he believes that love is implicit between married people. Well, since he had an affair, he has totally changed in this regard. From all my spying, I know that he constantly bought the other woman, gave her thoughtful gifts, and did nice things for her. her. And that really hurts and angers me. I also know that he was considerate in a way that he hasn’t been to me in a long time. However, I am 100% sure that the affair is over. I trust that I no longer have I have to worry about her. Still, when I turn my attention to my marriage, I notice that my husband still has his romantic idealism. He has started buying me gifts and trying to show his ‘appreciation’ for me. I know I should be grateful, but he doesn’t bother me a bit. Where was all this consideration before? Does it take another woman and an affair to prove to my husband that I am worthy of his affection? It’s like a man who suddenly learned how to fall in love with another woman and that really bothers me. I’m not saying I want to win back my cranky husband, the one who never showed appreciation. But he’s acting like an old fool with stars in his eyes. Middle-aged people don’t need to focus on being in love like they did when they were 18 years old. Don’t get me wrong. I want a happy marriage. But my husband is just acting like a fool. How do I get him to stop this without insulting him?”

I understand your frustration. It would have been nice if she had shown a little more affection on her account, but now that this comes after the affair, it’s like she’s “woke” something in him. And of course, understandably, you find it off-putting and a bit insulting.

But the situation is complicated. If you want to save your marriage, you will eventually need to be the recipient of his affection. So it’s not like closing it completely is what you want. I think what you really want is both affection (eventually) and a belief in his sincerity.

At this point, it’s understandably hard to believe that this newfound affection is completely sincere. You might suspect that since he can’t have her anymore, he’s projecting her feelings onto her onto you. And that makes you feel defensive. And as if you wanted to push it away. It’s a cheat 22 because once you push him away then you worry he’ll cheat again.

I would suggest not going straight out and blatantly or harshly asking him to stop. But if necessary, you could hint that he might want to tone it down in the short term. The next time he goes overboard with crush behaviors, you could try something like, “Although I’m flattered that you’re trying so hard, I need to be honest with you right now. Because I think we need honesty.” like never before. Sometimes this is a bit overwhelming. It’s very different from how you were before and it’s happening right after the adventure, so it makes me question things sometimes, partly because it’s so dramatic. For now, can we lower it down a bit? Don’t get me wrong. I’m receptive to affection, but I don’t want us to feel like we have to try so hard.”

Hopefully you’ll take this the right way and tone it down. I would like to point out that many people have affairs as a way of coping with the idea of ​​their own mortality. They are getting older and realize that “you only live once”. The whole idea of ​​falling in love and romantic love can be an extension of that. They may decide that this type of love is very important to them and they want to make sure that they invite it into their life and enjoy it. Frankly, there’s nothing wrong with that, as long as you do it within the confines of your marriage and you’re both comfortable with it.