Direct Answers – Column for the week of August 11, 2003

I’m worried about a relationship, but it’s not mine. My 21 year old nephew plans to get married this November. While I think he is young, I think the bride-to-be is too young at only 17 years old.

My nephew was homeschooled for half of high school, and she was raised on a ranch and homeschooled as well. In other words, she has no real life experience. They have never dated anyone else. To top it off, he is financially irresponsible and currently has a low-paying job, while she has never worked.

Her mother strongly supports and encourages the marriage, even though her daughter has not finished high school. His whole family is against it. None of us feel that neither of them know each other well enough to commit to another, or know enough of the big bad world.

How can I discourage them from getting married so soon, or should I? We all prefer to see him wait until he has a more solid and stable position, or at least an idea of ​​where he wants to go in life, before entering a marriage they are not ready for.

On the one hand, I suspect the reason they’re in a rush is because they both grew up in a strict environment and don’t believe in premarital sex. It’s just guesswork, but I think if they get married, they’ll end up divorced in less than four years.

So should I keep my mouth shut or try to dissuade them from getting married?

bea

Bea, with all the relationship and advice books available in the US, you might think that the recent leveling off of the astronomical divorce rate is due to some new technique or discovery. it is not

The evidence seems to show that it is linked to a main fact. Couples getting married now are on average about four years older than they were a few decades ago, and about a half-dozen years older than this couple. You are right to worry.

You are writing from experience and they are acting from inexperience. It’s wise to point out to them what married life requires and mention things they haven’t thought of. But if they didn’t absorb those lessons growing up, they probably won’t listen to you now.

If your nephew is getting married to finally have sex, he won’t tell you. If he’s getting married to get out of his parents’ house, he won’t tell you. If they get married because they don’t know what to do with their lives next, they won’t say so. After the wedding, the question is: Will the help really help them, or will it just prolong a marriage that it intends to end?

Say what you think is appropriate now, then step aside. Only in hindsight are they likely to appreciate it.

Wayne and Tamara

In the path

My partner, soon to be my permanent partner, and I are leaving in two weeks for a cross-country drive, a trip of nearly 3,000 miles. My question is how do we spend hour after hour driving with each other?

Those who do not drive part can read the newspaper, we can talk or listen to music. I’ll pack snacks and we can take turns sleeping. These things I know. They are the common everyday things that people do when traveling together. I guess I was looking for something different; I don’t know exactly, any suggestions?

Chris

Kris, what are you asking?

Life is a long road trip. If the silence is too heavy, if you wonder what to say, maybe that says it all. This journey may reveal the true nature of your connection. Tamara and I can drive in comfortable silence or we can talk for hours. We don’t even turn on the radio. It’s a distraction for us. Is this what you are looking for?

wayne

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