Categories
Direct Answers: Column for the week of July 28, 2003
How can I help a former friend leave a friendship that is not working for me?
This woman, I’ll call her “Anne”, is a life coach. We left last year and got along well as friends. The problem for me is that the vast majority of our conversation focused on Anne and her situation, particularly as it relates to men. Over and over these conversations were about this guy or that. My honest comments were not well received.
Before I got tired of the lack of balance in our friendship, I invited her to speak at a conference I organized. The event took place last month and Anne was good as a speaker. The reviews were mixed, but it was done.
Last night Anne left a message stating that she wanted it to be a referral for a potential client. I feel bad for recommending someone who I no longer think is effective. How do I get off your call list without being cruel?
Laurel
Laurel, in this situation, truthfulness is more important than courtesy. Courtesy will give you more of what you don’t want anymore.
Anne does not accept criticism, or the truth, well. Makes a good first impression, but does not have the understanding that you are trying to sell to others. Giving Anne what she wants makes you an accessory to her, and that’s an incongruity you can’t live with.
Just as your life should proceed from honesty, so should Anne’s. Tell Anne that her performance reviews do not allow her to make a recommendation. If you are offended, you are offended by the truth.
Tamara
Beat a dead horse
I am an American and my husband is British. We met while living and working for two years in the United States. When we got engaged, we discussed where we wanted to settle and that place is the United States. We are both very sorry for this.
However, we decided to move to the UK for two years for him to finish some things and get his US green card. That’s a lot easier to do abroad than at home, and we told his parents that we would only be in the UK for a short time.
My mother-in-law is a person who uses mind games to get her way. She has directly insulted the United States alleging everything from American greed to gun problems. She complains that her grandchildren will not be around her and even hung up the phone on my husband. She is a real brat!
I know it must be difficult for her, and I get it, I really do. But we can’t always live around the corner and I’m starting to get mad. My husband told his family that they could stay with us for a month or more at a time, but my mother-in-law said, “I don’t like flying and I don’t think I like it. Texas!”
My husband knows that his mother is a difficult woman, but he hates conflict and wants to keep the peace. My mom says staying calm is the best thing I can do.
Kay
Kay, before insulting the royal family or British cuisine, remember your mother’s advice and stay calm. Don’t argue with your mother-in-law. By simply arguing, you are giving substance to their wishes. Arguing as if it is not resolved can make it unsettling.
When you give in to a difficult person, it doesn’t become more reasonable, it becomes more difficult. They think they have the right to win all the time. Once you’ve moved out, your mother-in-law can visit you, and if you can afford it, you can visit her.
Maybe you will even like Texas. Or maybe you will love hating Texas. But either way, her mother-in-law’s behavior seems like a better argument to emigrate than to live around the corner.
Wayne
