Many of the questions I get from wives who have been cheated on have to do with sex. People worry that their sex life was not “normal” either before or after the affair. They often seek reassurance that their feelings or experience are valid.

An example is the couple whose marriage has just been severely disrupted because the husband has cheated on them. It is understandable that the wife often wants to put her sex life on hold while she tries to figure out how she wants to proceed. Sometimes the husband is not happy with this arrangement and will try to make her feel that she is wrong by suggesting it.

This is what I mean. A wife might say, “I kicked my husband out of our bedroom after I caught him cheating on us. It was hard for me to even look at him, much less have him sleeping next to me or even think we could have sex. I don’t want him touching me at all.” unless he makes any sexual moves on me. I didn’t tell him to leave our house because of our kids. And also because I want to reserve the right to take my time deciding what I really want. I don’t think this is too much to ask. In fact, one of my best friends went through this and said that she and her husband didn’t share a bed for about six months after the affair. But my husband acts like I’m being unreasonable. He says that he also has friends who have dealt with infidelity and that her male friends tell her they were still sharing a room after the affair.She admits that they weren’t all having sex right away, but insists that the men weren’t kicked out of Their rooms.

I think both people may be right. But it doesn’t really matter what other couples decide to do. What matters is what works for YOU. The disposition that couples have in terms of their bedroom varies greatly. One partner may feel comfortable still being in the same room, while the other may not. I don’t think you should feel bad if you want to sleep in separate rooms for a while.

I did this too and felt it was a better compromise than letting my husband leave home permanently. He just couldn’t deal with the proximity of sharing a room when she was so angry and hurt. He respected this because I think he realized that the situation was his fault and understood why he wouldn’t want to share a bed with him at that moment.

I didn’t want to feel pressured to have sex. I needed time on my own. I wanted quiet, private nights where I could be alone with my thoughts and not be constantly questioned. We interacted for the first few days for the sake of our family. But at night, we went our separate ways, although sometimes I would ask her to talk or watch TV with me, but we did that in the living room, not the bedroom.

This went on for a while as we tried to work things out and heal. But it did not continue forever. I admit that we started to resume sex a little before my husband officially moved into our room. I guess we wanted to test the waters and gradually move up. I didn’t stress too much about it. I just used how I felt as a guide. As I felt closer to my husband again and we began to restore trust, I began to feel more desire for him and so our sex life and room sharing resumed naturally.

But I didn’t allow myself to feel pressured by this. And it would have been impossible for me to feel that desire in the first days. I was too angry and hurt and therefore my emotions shut down. Everyone is different, but for me to feel physical desire, I have to feel an emotional connection. And that was not possible when the matter was still fresh.

I think another consideration here is that not everyone is going to be honest about their bedroom habits. And that’s okay because, frankly, it’s nobody else’s business. But her husband’s friends who say she never left her bedroom may not be completely truthful. They may not want to seem like they weren’t in control of their own marriage, so they don’t admit that they spent any time outside of their own bedroom. Once again, it’s her business. But I don’t want you to blindly believe this and feel like there’s something wrong with you because you didn’t make the same decision.

I firmly believe that you have every right to decide what works for you. If it doesn’t feel right to share a room right now, I don’t see any benefit in forcing yourself to do it. If you think it would help to talk about this, a suggestion might be something like, “I hear what you’re saying. But I don’t care what our friends have done. Because it’s about us and what’s right for us.” our situation. Right now, I just want some me time. I’m not saying it will always be like this. But for now, I feel like I want to be alone at night. I ask you to respect it.”

I think one of the reasons husbands pressure to stay in their bedroom is not necessarily because of the sex. It’s because they’re afraid that if they leave him even for a while, they may never be invited back to his bedroom. This often turns out to be false. And sometimes it helps if you tell them that as you start to heal, you may change your mind about it over time.