Is there such a thing as giving too much? How can we decide what to do and what not to do for our partner? If you feel like you are always giving and not receiving, you may be giving too much. That sacrificial love of yours may actually be doing more harm than good. But how can you decide what to do and what not to do?

Should we just do the things we want to do? There are many things that we do for our partners that we don’t want to do. Washing the dishes, taking out the trash or going to work may be among them. If we stop doing these things, serious problems will arise. Work is a necessary part of any relationship.

The unpleasantness of a task has little to do with the relationship. Usually, as soon as the job is done, we can forget about it and move on. If you work for a company and they give you a salary, you don’t keep thinking about last week’s work. But, if you don’t get paid, then you will feel cheated and used. Although it is not a job, we all have expectations of our partners. When these expectations are not met, we can feel used and cheated.

Loving sacrifice is not “loving” if it makes us resentful or increases our feeling that our relationship is unfair. People have an internal sense of what is fair and when we start to feel that things are unfair, we better take action before it gets worse. Resentment, or that feeling of unfairness, creates emotional distance, and emotional distance kills relationships.

What actions can we take when we feel like we are giving a lot and receiving little?

1. We can stop doing senseless acts of sacrifice. What you are doing to show love to your partner may not even matter to your partner. Although it’s something you might appreciate if your partner did it for you, it may not be part of your partner’s love language. Not everyone wants a box of chocolates or to hear “I love you” at the end of every phone call. If doing things for your partner makes you feel like your partner, then stop doing them!

2. We can tell our partner what we want.. Most of the time we don’t get what we want because we don’t ask for what we want. What may seem second nature to you may not even occur to your partner. If you are afraid to ask for what you want, then it is an assertiveness problem on your part. Thinking that you shouldn’t have to ask may make you feel justified, but it won’t help you get what you want.

3. Negotiate. Negotiation is a normal part of any long-term relationship. Negotiating everything can be a sign of trouble, but not negotiating at all is a sign of poor communication. You and your partner have different needs. “I’ll pick up the kids tonight if you make dinner” or “We can watch a movie you want this time if I get to choose the next one.” Couples who were only children and who were dodged by their parents sometimes don’t learn this kind of give and take. Making it explicit is a low-conflict way to help yourself and your partner.

4. Use a mental or written checklist. When you feel resentful, ask yourself these questions:
1) Am I doing something really necessary?;
2) Have I let my partner know what I want or am I waiting for my partner to “guess” what I want?; and
3) Have I tried to trade this activity? If you answer “no” to these questions, then you are behaving worse than your partner.

A relationship, a true partnership, is many things. It is not purely emotional because there are many practical demands. It is not purely a question of responsibilities because a relationship is not just a job. It is not just a matter of management because a relationship is not just a business. However, a successful long-term relationship has aspects of all three of these things: emotional, practical, and organizational. Using skills that belong to these three components is vital to your success.

Relationship coaches teach over 30 different skills related to relationship success. The extent to which you learn and use these skills is the extent to which your relationship can improve. Even learning one can make the difference between a relationship that is gradually fading and one that remains vibrant. What you do today will determine what you will get tomorrow.