Women are taught from birth that men are supposed to be the pursuers, while women are supposed to be shy, quiet, and apprehensive. As nature has made us, women tend to be sexually selective and play tough, while men fight each other for the reproductive opportunities we offer them to ensure the species survives. Therefore, women are presumed to be predestined as the fussy sex and men have the role of winning them over with their courage and charm. Winning them over is, when they’re not too busy being aloof and making decisions about the pace of the relationship. Well, at least that’s what many biological and evolutionary theorists argue. Personally, I think they may all have fallen headlong at birth, but that’s a discussion for another time. I recently discovered another well-kept little secret in the relationship wheel of fortune…a nugget of wisdom that will help many travelers down the road not taken…the art of being emotionally unavailable, or US for short.

“You should bottle this emotional unavailability…it’s better than perfume and a miniskirt to attract men and get attention.” That was a friend’s reaction to the onslaught of attention I received from men at one point, all because for a year or more, I became totally, utterly, totally emotionally unavailable (US). The results of this emotional “scent” have been quite disconcerting to my friends. After all, aren’t men the emotionally unavailable gender? Aren’t we women supposed to be giving them signals that we’re interested instead of giving off a scent that we’re not?

However, when it comes to being from the EU, we are not talking about being selective or playing hard to get. (and if that’s your game, know that playing hard to get does NOT work). Men have equally strong opinions about hard-to-get women and easy-to-get women. Your best strategy is to selectively play hard to get if you really want a guy. This type of woman is always the most popular with men if she knows how to skillfully use such strategies…she thinks of seduction and discretion. The thing about the emotionally unavailable woman is that she really DOESN’T CARE if she’s involved with someone…she doesn’t really need a relationship right now and she’d rather focus on other things. Either she is too busy, too tired, has been pulled in too many directions, or recently she has been too burned out or emotionally scarred to have the desire to play or participate in any game, search, or selection process.

The irony in all of this is that when a woman is emotionally unavailable, men start dropping like flies. In many ways, this woman is now the girl of her dreams. In the throng of women who throw themselves at him, she not only presents a challenge (something men love), but she also doesn’t offer the threat of things getting too emotional or heavy at one point too soon. Also, she’s not frigid, mean, or impossible to get along with because of mood swings, she just doesn’t care where things go or what happens… she’s politely aloof. She has no agenda, no mission to put a ring on her finger, no vision of him meeting his parents, no plans to start having babies any time soon, if ever… you make an idea

So how does one become emotionally unavailable? While there are many ways to become “EU”, I thought I’d start with the top 5 suggestions to achieve your goal:

1. Stay busy by keeping a packed schedule. If you don’t have time to think about relationships, then they can’t become a priority and you’re less likely to become stressed about their status. This will make it less likely that you will reply to their email or return their phone call, at least in the short term. Ultimately, it will stay on your radar longer because you’re not giving it your full attention from the start and you’re in the driver’s seat as to whether or not things will happen.

2. Travel, a lot if possible. People who are always on the road (or in the air) have a hard time maintaining any kind of relationship. The fact that you are always out of town will excuse you from not being too attentive to a lover, but it will not rule out any potential. You just don’t have time to get serious right now, literally. Avoid hitting him on the ego, which will keep the door open. This tip will also make it easier to avoid even starting a relationship in the first place, if that’s what makes things easier.

3. Take a break from the relationship. Make a promise to yourself that for the next “X” weeks or months, you will only be involved with yourself, taking the time to do everything that you have wanted to do to improve yourself, take care of yourself, and love yourself. This will help you deflect any eager beaver attempts on his part until you are ready for them, increasing the anticipation for him. This can be lonely, especially in the dark hours of the night when your mind has time to think… but in the long run it will be very good if you decide to come out of the break. You’ll be more prepared to start something new with no residual baggage.

4. Launch yourself into a long-term project. Choose to write a book or a screenplay, plot world domination, move or redecorate your house, do something that demands 99% of your attention and focus. When you finally MAKE time to surface for some fun, make sure your friends are the first to receive your remaining 1%. Any male can join your group if he is willing to do so. It’s the only way you can “tighten” it.

5. Look dynamite every time you go out. If you’re giving off the aura that you don’t care if you meet someone, men will be even more intrigued that you’re dressed up, but for whom? What is this for, she will wonder. What does this woman have that I need to know? An air of mystery is always sexy and seductive…and the best part is, at this point, you really couldn’t care less. You’re not playing hard to get, you ARE hard to get. It is more attractive than any other lure you can imagine.

Of course, being emotionally unavailable “should” happen only during random periods of time in a perfect world. For some of us, it’s permanent after a while if we keep the shields up too long. You have to realize that at some point, if you don’t want to be alone, you will have to get out of the self-imposed parenthesis and take risks with life and love again. After a while, you’ll have so many men falling at your feet that you’ll be forced to start considering the idea of ​​getting involved with at least one of them a little more seriously. In the meantime, consider being an EU member as a way to focus on yourself, take care of the non-relationship needs in your life, and as a means to let the boys come after you. You may be surprised by the end result.