I often hear from spouses who are genuinely sorry for their infidelity, but also really tired of having to endlessly talk, argue, or repeat the details of the affair. They often wonder how many times they will have to go over the same details. They wonder how many times they will have to patiently answer repetitive questions. And they wonder above all if everything is going to end or if this is a scenario that will continue to unfold for the rest of their lives.

I’ve heard of a wife who said, “I admit my affair was all my fault. I’m the one who cheated on my husband. I’m the one who kept it a secret. I’m the one who went behind my husband’s back and lied. And I deserve to be doing it.” everything I have to do right now to save my marriage. I’m willing to do whatever it takes. But I’m curious how long we’re going to have to talk about it over and over again. My husband always seems to want to repeat the same things Ask the same questions I will patiently go over how I reconnected with the other man, how the affair began, how it was carried out, and how I feel right now I will emphasize that I love my husband and will never I will cheat again. He will accept my answers. But tomorrow he will want to talk about the exact same things. How long will this go on? Because it is very trying and discouraging. I love my husband and would do anything to get him back. But I hope these conversations are not I have to wait for the rest of my life.

I may not be the most open-minded person to send this question to. As a spouse who has been cheated on, I know firsthand that you have a lot of questions. Also, sometimes you doubt the validity and sincerity of the answers they are giving you because you are hurt and because you are dealing with someone who has already lied to you. So as much as you want to believe every word your spouse says and drop the subject forever, you just can’t. You go to bed thinking that with a bit of luck you can wake up tomorrow and leave it all behind and then when the sun rises, the doubt and pain come back to haunt you and then you have questions again because you need more peace of mind.

I know this is hard for both of you, but you have to be patient with your spouse because, frankly, if you hadn’t set this in motion with your own actions, then you wouldn’t be dealing with the questions. Try very hard to understand where your spouse is coming from. The questions are not meant to harass or punish you, they are there because your spouse needs reassurance and answers. And sometimes this just takes time. That said, there are some things you can do to respond as effectively as possible to shorten the duration of your spouse’s hesitation. I will discuss that more now.

Be sure to be very clear and consistent: I need to say very directly that you must tell your spouse the absolute truth. You don’t want to try to hide the details from your spouse because a person who has been cheated on has the ability to develop detective skills when the need calls for it. Your spouse will naturally be suspicious of you at this point. Therefore, they will watch him closely for inconsistencies or any indication that he is hiding something. Make sure you tell the truth because otherwise you will keep getting questions meant to trip you up. But if you are consistent with what you are telling your spouse (which will happen naturally when he is being completely truthful), then over time this should help lessen your spouse’s doubts and fears.

Don’t make your spouse take information away from you: Some people are understandably reluctant to simply open up to their spouse. So they have their spouse assail them with questions, and yet they still give their spouse only bits and pieces of what they’ve asked for. If your spouse asks you a line of questions, then you know your spouse well enough to understand what he or she wants to know and you should make things easier for both of you simply by giving them that information.

For example, if your spouse asks “what did this person mean to you?” you might be inclined to say something like “it was sexual for a while” because you expect your spouse to leave. . But they probably won’t do that. Because you haven’t told them what they really want to know. They really want to know if you have an emotional bond or if you had a crush on this other person. They want to know if you are still pining for this other person or if you still have contact. They want to understand the implications of all this for their marriage.

So the best response would be something like, “We had a physical relationship four times, but it stopped there. I wasn’t emotionally attached. I wasn’t in love. I was never going to leave you or end our marriage to be with him. I’m not in contact with him.” him now and I won’t be in the future. You are my priority. The relationship is over and I intend to do everything in my power to make you believe that.”

You see the difference? You want to answer what you’ve been asked, but you also want to read between the lines and answer the unanswered questions as well.

But to answer the question posed by this wife, I really don’t know how long your spouse will have questions, but I do know that if you are forthcoming, consistent, and honest, it will go a long way toward providing the reassurance that is necessary to mitigate all the questions.