I often write about infidelity in marriage. One of the most common emails I get is from the wife who has just found out that her husband has been unfaithful to her. I’m going to paraphrase here, but it usually goes something like this: “I just found out my husband has been cheating on me. I’m beyond devastated. I can’t stop shaking or thinking about it. I don’t know what to do. I can’t even face it right now. How could he do this to me? I know exactly how you feel. I’ve been through this. I remember very vividly the day I found out about my husband’s affair. I remember how devastated I was. I immediately sank to the ground, because if I hadn’t, my feet would have given way under me. But I finally got over it and I’m here today to offer my support. So, in this article, I’m going to offer the peace of mind I wish I had at that very difficult time.
The issue was his mistake, not yours. She does not blame herself for her husband’s affair: Many women will tell me, “This is all my fault. I should have been a better wife. I should have focused more on our sex life. I shouldn’t have let myself go, etc.” Do not allow yourself to go to these places. The truth is that the affair is a decision made by her husband. You didn’t make that decision for him. Men cheat on beautiful women like Halle Berry and Elizabeth Hurley. Only 12% of men feel that the other woman was prettier or sexier than her wife. This is often not the case at all.
Instead, what has generally happened is that men cheat in an attempt to retrieve something they perceive to be missing within THEMSELVES. So if a man feels old, he will seek out an affair to feel young and desirable. If a man feels defeated, unsuccessful, or unsuccessful in some way, he will look for ways to show that he is competent. Some men use risk or thrill-seeking to feel more alive or vital.
No, these are not valid excuses at all. Her husband’s thinking was certainly wrong, but I say this to show you that the matter had much more to do with him and much less with you. So don’t blame yourself. If he does, he will only delay your healing and do nothing to help you. Be kind to yourself right now. Believe that you are a valuable, attractive and valuable human being. This act does not change that.
The next few days can be difficult, but positive things can also come up: The next few days may bring many challenges. You likely have many questions that will need to be answered. You will need to understand why the adventure happened. Some of them may be difficult to hear. But also understand that many marriages (and many people) emerge stronger after an affair. Often the affair brings to the surface many marital and self-esteem issues that can then be addressed.
Believe it or not, my self-esteem is now higher than it was before the adventure. I took advantage of resources to help me make the transition. I went back to school. I became a business owner. I finally got the veneers on my teeth that I had wanted for years. I exercised and lost the thirty extra pounds that had plagued me for years. I didn’t do these things for my husband, because for a long time I didn’t know if he wanted to save the marriage or not, I did these things for myself. I am much happier now than ever.
Ultimately, I opted to save our marriage, and again the affair forced us to address the things we had been avoiding. As a result, our marriage is stronger than ever. But, even if you don’t decide to save the marriage, the affair can shed light on things that, if you decide to address and fix them, would make your life better as a result.
Don’t let this unfortunate decision change who you know yourself to be. Understand that this was your husband’s doing, not yours. It can be fixed, if you think about it, but in the end, you’re going to be fine. Because you are still the wonderful woman you were yesterday. That has not changed.
