I often hear from wives who are acutely aware that their husband is no longer as committed or invested in their marriage. Sometimes this is just an obvious truth that can be made by taking an honest look around you. Other times, the husband starts talking about separating or taking a break. Either way, the wife may be extremely motivated to find a way to get him to re-commit to both her and the marriage.

I heard a wife say, “I know my husband doesn’t feel the same way about me anymore. I know our marriage is in serious trouble. But I’m pretty sure I want to save our marriage. And I’m willing to do whatever I have to do. What to do to make that happen. However, my husband does not feel the same way. He has started to hint that he will move or seek a separation. When he says these things, I ask him To reconsider and tell him that if he gives me a chance, I could do make our marriage work. But he just looks at me blankly or even rolls his eyes like he has no faith that our marriage is worth fighting for. What can I do to get my husband to re-commit to me and our marriage? “Because if I can’t do this, I feel like my marriage is over.” I will try to address these concerns in the next article.

It’s more effective (and easier) to get you to re-commit when things are going well: I know that when your marriage is falling apart, this is the moment when you feel most desperate to get him to re-commit to you. But you should also know that this is the time when you have the least chance of success. In other words, the worse your marriage is, the less likely it is that he will willingly and enthusiastically recommit, no matter what strategy or plan you use. The reason for this is that you really don’t have much incentive to believe that real change or improvement is possible. Basically, you are asking him to take a leap of faith when he hasn’t seen anything yet to tell him that it is wise to do what you are asking him to do.

However, if you can show him some improvement first, your chances of success are greatly increased. Because once he sees that you can and will deliver on your promises, it is clear that he is no longer taking such a great risk.

So what does this mean for you? It means that you will have a much better chance of him being willing to re-commit to you if you can improve your marriage before you even ask this question. In short, you should focus on improving your marriage and your interactions with your husband rather than pushing for a compromise before giving him any real incentive (other than promises) to do so.

I know this may seem like you are working backwards. But try not to look at it this way. Instead, try to see it as following the strategy that is most likely to work and get their enthusiastic cooperation.

Know that it is better to tempt you into committing than to try to force or trick you into doing so: Think about it for a second. If you push your husband relentlessly until you get him to reluctantly agree to re-engage, how excited do you think he is about this? Do you think her heart is really in it? Do you think he will give this all he has? Or do you think he’s just pacifying you so you stop dwelling on the subject?

But let’s look at it from another angle. What if you set him up so that your marriage improves to the point where he naturally wants to re-engage with you because he is more content and happy in the marriage? How sincere cooperation would it be then? Obviously, one of the above scenarios gives you a much better chance of saving your marriage in the long run.

Believe me when I tell you that I know how desperate and horrible it can feel when you know that your husband is pulling away from you. It’s completely understandable that you’re willing to do anything to get him on board. But there is no point in looking for a commitment that is not sincere or sincere. Therefore, it is in your best interest to focus more on making him want to re-commit to your marriage rather than trying to achieve it by force born out of desperation.