Several years ago I suffered from vertigo attacks. This out-of-balance disturbance was like literally spending the day in a whirlwind at a carnival, except the ride never stopped. The first time this happened to me I got out of bed and hit the wall, both the room and the floor were spinning. I spent the rest of the day lying on my back afraid to move my head lest this internal turbulence start up again.
It took several tests and two doctors to determine that he had vertigo. In medical terms, this is a condition that poses no real threat to health and is unexplained. Unfortunately, the medication did little for me except make me sleepy and dizzy. Like many things in life, I learned to compensate when vertigo hit me by not moving my head quickly, not looking up or down, and keeping my eyes straight ahead. When a co-worker suggested that maybe my vertigo didn’t just have a physical cause, I started exploring other possibilities.
His comment was well aimed, at the time I was like Cinderella living with the two evil stepsisters. My two teenage daughters were a constant challenge. They were like a wrestling tag team, one would come in weakening my resolve and then just when I thought I had a game plan they would pull the plug. It was definitely off balance, both literally and figuratively.
Medical science searches for the causes of cancer, autoimmune disorders, chronic fatigue syndrome, and many other conditions, but often ignores one of the most pervasive factors that lead to disease, the hidden stress embedded in our daily lives. As I read countless books on the mind-body connection, I began to realize that what I might need more than a new drug was some insight and emotional self-awareness.
I started tracking my vertigo and bingo episodes to coincide with conflicts I had with my daughters. The first was a classic. My oldest daughter had just left her summer job to go to the 1999 Woodstock concert. She would be back in time to pack for college. She seemed to have little concern about lost income from more summer jobs. That bothered me but what bothered me the most was the concert itself. Four days of what seemed like total debauchery. I handed him a bucket and a roll of toilet paper and told him to have fun. The whole time he was gone I was tormented by watching the webcam at the concert, it seemed to be a gathering of the best of the wild and I was miserable knowing that my daughter would be joining this event.
It took me a while to make the connections, but I realized that I was emotionally entangling my daughter’s decisions with my own worth, and I was left with a heavy knot. I felt the weight of the judgment that I thought was coming. I deflected family conversations about her without realizing that putting so much energy into denying and hiding things was costing me my personal sense of balance, I was tripping, spinning, and couldn’t even look up or down.
Fortunately, time, self-reflection and the decision to let love be my guide have helped me in my personal evolution. I also found an excellent otolaryngologist and between the two of them, vertigo is a thing of the past.
I recently told this story to my youngest daughter, who is now a medical student. She marvels at the mysterious connections between mind and body that have been revealed to her in the gross anatomy lab. She said that proof of this can be found in the study of male penile erection. All that is needed is a thought transmitted to the primitive brain for the blood to flow and fill the penis. How all this happens is really a medical mystery because physical change begins with a thought.
Do we really need more evidence to know that our emotions and thoughts have a powerful influence on the health of our bodies?
It is not only what we do but what and how we think. I have met many women who have experienced vertigo. As I share my story I ask you to reflect on this; Who or what keeps you off balance? I don’t know why this condition seems to affect more women. Perhaps it is because as mothers our own image is reflected through our children. It’s hard to find the balance that way. Perhaps what we need is a mirror that focuses on more than just a reflection of ourselves.
