Sometimes I hear of wives who are caught in a love triangle between their husband and someone else. Often they never suspected that they would find themselves in this position. But when the choice is to let her husband walk away from you after all the time and effort she has put into her marriage, the lines she has drawn before are sometimes not so clear now.

I recently heard from a wife who said, “Last year, my husband developed a relationship with his assistant. He’s known this woman for years, and to be honest, I’ve always liked her. Last year, one of her sons got sick.” and my husband tried his best to support her in any way he could. This was the right thing to do, but unfortunately, as a result, their relationship turned romantic and started an affair. I found out about their relationship last month. My husband insists that He loves me and doesn’t want a divorce so I told him he had to fire the other woman and cut off all contact with her he didn’t hesitate to tell me he couldn’t do that not only would he never let her down when her son is sick and he admitted that he has grown to love her like family and is so dependent on her, but he won’t. He is constantly sending me flowers and buying me gifts and begging me to go out to dinner with him. He doesn’t hide our relationship from the other woman. He has become quite in a mess. I want to lose my husband. But I can’t participate in this love triangle forever. What is a wife supposed to do when her husband can’t do anything between her and the other woman? Should you give him an ultimatum? Should you try to separate them? What is the best course of action? I’m sorry her life is so hard and her son is sick, but I’m not ready to give up my husband.”

This is a very difficult situation. It’s one thing if you hate the other woman or she’s mean. Because then, it’s easy to want to banish her from your life and never look back. But when you meet her personally, you’ve liked her, and you know she’s facing a tough personal challenge, then all of these things make a difficult situation even worse.

Still, I have a definite opinion on how I think it is best to proceed in this situation. This opinion is based on my own experience and the experience of many who comment on my blog.

It really is better if your husband makes his own decision when choosing between the two of you: I have to tell you that I speak with many women who have given their husband an ultimatum and then celebrated when their husband reluctantly chose them over the other woman. But what you often don’t think about is what happens after he comes home and the two of you try to pick up where the marriage left off. Because sometimes things are not so easy then. Although the husband may have chosen the wife, he may still sometimes have feelings for the other woman. And the result is him depressed and pining for her. Needless to say, this can make his return home and marriage less than happy because he will always know somewhere in his mind that he made a forced decision. As a result, he may not fully participate in the marriage.

That is why it is preferable to let him make his own decision. I know I’m asking for a lot. I know this is a very scary thought. Because you are worried that if you give your husband even a little bit of space, the other woman will push him towards her and you will ultimately lose him. But to be honest, if she makes the mistake of pushing you, then she could be on the receiving end of the scenario I just described, which wouldn’t be the worst for you or your marriage.

A suggested script for when your husband can’t decide between you and the other woman: Since I’ve already suggested that you allow your husband to make his own decisions without you offering him ultimatums or threats, I’m now going to suggest a conversation you might want to have to draw a line in the sand. I think it’s very unhealthy for you to be involved in a love triangle. It’s demeaning and makes fun of your wedding vows. So a suggested conversation might go something like, “It’s clear you’re having a hard time choosing between me and her. And I’m not going to add to your burden by giving you an ultimatum or throwing a tantrum. I’m disappointed we’re in this situation.” And I can’t respect myself and continue to live this way, but I know you need time. So I’m going to take some time for myself while you decide what you want to do. When you make a decision, let me know. But I can’t participate in our relationship when someone else is in it. I want to save our marriage. But we can’t do that while she’s still around. So when and if you decide that our marriage is your priority, you know where to find me.”

Many wives tell me that this strategy seems risky. I know it does. But with this strategy you are maintaining your self-esteem and you are allowing her to make the mistakes. She’s likely to push you where you’ve walked away, and she’ll come across as more negative by comparison. Either way, this is the only true way to know how you really feel, so once you make a decision, you’ll know you didn’t unduly influence it, and you’ll be more likely to believe it’s right. And if he does something to you, you’ll know that he did it willingly and that he really is committed to your marriage. Also, since you’ve taken yourself out of the equation, if he really loves you, he’ll be motivated to make a quick decision.