Direct Answers – Column for the week of May 5, 2003

I am very disturbed these days, and if it continues, I might get angry soon. I am 28 years old. I recently went to see my parents in India and met a girl for marriage purposes. My parents and my family convinced me that she is the perfect match for me.

In an impulsive moment I said yes and committed. Very soon I realized that I don’t like him and that there are big compatibility and personality problems between us. Now my parents and her parents are pushing to get married as soon as possible.

I tried to talk with them and with the girl about all the things that were going through my mind. From that moment I was like a rebel in the family, and everyone is against me. They want me to marry this girl. I told the girl that I wanted to cancel it, but she doesn’t agree with my theory.

I know deep down that it’s not going to work out, but at the same time I love my parents and I don’t want to make things ugly. If we get married, I can see that both of us will live a miserable life since I won’t be able to develop love for her, and it will end in a terrible divorce.

Ajay

Ajay, what a way to go into marriage! You thought you were going home for a family visit and your parents thought they were planning the rest of your life. You don’t like your future girlfriend, and now you have to weigh why this decision is not up to you.

In these circumstances many people give up. In a strange twist of fate, those who are forced to marry often become advocates of arranged marriage, just as those who join a fraternity enthuse new members.

You would like to find a reason that silences all the other side’s arguments, but the more you justify yourself, the more they will wear you down with counter-arguments and “success stories”. The problem with letting other people make decisions for us is that we, not them, have to live with the consequences.

The only thing they can’t argue with is, “No.” There is no appeal of a simple no. The worst thing your family can do is disown you. But they can only do it once. If you give in to their wishes now, they can use the hammer of disapproval on many other matters.

You have to decide how your life will be. That’s part of growing up and becoming an adult. When you make your own decisions, good or bad, you will feel that life is under your control. There is a sense of justice, a deep sense of fairness, in a life lived in this way.

Tamara

Bottom up

I met my downstairs neighbor on a Saturday morning a month ago when he complained about my loud music. He pointed out that it’s good music, but this particular day was past its breaking point. I felt horrible, but I couldn’t remember his face because he hadn’t put my contacts in. I remember another time he hit the roof at 1 am

Last week we talked again about the basic neighborhood rules. It was a comfortable and easy conversation. I used my contacts, and yes, he is cute. He pointed out that every time I see his car in the driveway, he’s home, except next Thursday when he’s at a game. Is this a track to follow?

Torri

Torri, this is definitely a lead to follow, but the question is what are you implying?

I guess she thinks you’re her annoying neighbor who plays her music too loud. If so, he wants the car in the driveway to be a warning to you to keep the music down and stop dancing in his head. But he could have other intentions. If so, they will soon be clear enough.

wayne