Man’s inability to communicate is the result of his inability to listen effectively, skillfully, and understandingly to another person. (Carl Rogers, American psychologist)

Effective listening requires skill and understanding. But often, even when we’re listening, we can do things that make the speaker cringe that we’re not.

The result is, of course, that we are not able to connect with the individual in the way that he or she sees us listening.

In a moment we’ll look at 10 behaviors that the listener often interprets as not paying attention.

But first I would like stop reading and grab a pen and paper.

Now imagine the following situation. You are talking. This could be in a more formal situation where you do most or all of the conversation, such as a speech or presentation. Or it could be informal, like standing with a group of friends discussing the breeze, or sitting down and having a one-on-one discussion.

Regardless of the situation, in the moments when you speak, what are the things that bother you about the people who should be listening? Things you are aware of and find irritating. You most likely won’t say anything about them, but they are clearly annoying.

Be specific. Write down what people do or say that sends you the message: “I’m really not listening to you.”

Once you have finished your list, go back through it and circle the two that bother you the most.

Now that you have your list, let’s compare your responses to the results of a survey I conducted of more than 300 mid-level managers.

The big question to ask yourself as we analyze the results is this: “Do I ever do any of these things when I’m the listener? Because if you do, you now know the message you’re sending.”

The reason I asked you to circle the top two irritants is that a total of 30 behaviors were listed in my survey. Of these, 28 had roughly the same response frequency.

However, two were well over 28, and of those, number 1 appeared twice as often as number 2.

1. interrupting
2. lack of eye contact
3. No response
4. Hold parallel conversations (in audience situation)
5. Ignore speakerphone to answer the phone
6. looking impatient
7. Complete the speaker’s sentences or answer a question before the speaker has finished asking it.
8. Abruptly changing the subject
9. Multitask: send text messages; read the mail, newspapers, reports, etc.
10. Nervous mannerisms: cracking the knuckles, twisting the hair, drumming the fingers, etc.

Eliminate these 10 and you will have a lot of happy listeners.