Direct Answers – Column for the week of September 8, 2003

When is the time to divorce a family member?

I have been helping my partner manage his father’s long-term care. This involves working with his brother, who controls the purse strings. My partner and I are artists, juggling multiple careers to get our life’s work done and pay the bills. Our income is limited.

My partner’s brother is a self-made billionaire with several houses and his own private jet. We give what we can in terms of love, support and 24/7 care. The brother tries to make us feel guilty by saying that it is normal for all the brothers to contribute financially and why not us.

I found this man disgusting, repulsive and nauseating when I met him 12 years ago, and now I feel exactly the same way. I have always pretended to have fun and love him, which adds my dishonesty to the picture.

The brother is about to limit how much money he contributes to his father’s care. He will lend his father the rest of him. Once the home equity is exhausted and his father becomes destitute, the brother will provide the resources to care for him.

My partner is calm that the inheritance is not part of his future, but my life is thrown completely out of balance and I end up with many sleepless nights. What bothers me is the distortion of reality. I communicate with my partner’s brother in writing, but he constantly misrepresents what I have written to him.

When I resubmit the information over and over again, he claims it never happened or continues to misrepresent what I said. I showed the correspondence to a neutral third party and she confirmed my perceptions.

This man does not seem to be aware of his distortions and genuinely believes his lies to be true. We tried phone communication, but it’s too traumatic for my partner and me to talk to him on the phone.

My counselor of many years has advised me to end the relationship and my partner is also considering it. What do you think?

Brand

Marc, the first time you meet a person who tells you that up is down, right is left, and good is bad, it stuns you. You question your own judgement. But there are some people who will look you right in the eye and lie.

Because you operate from a foundation of honesty and integrity, you are astounded that there isn’t some call for kindness or some line of reasoning that comes through to your partner’s brother. But there isn’t.

Believe the evidence of your own eyes. This man operates from the principle that he always gets his way. You don’t need to understand why this is so. You just have to accept how he is.

Your father-in-law is going to be taken care of financially, and that’s a wonderful thing. You asked when is the time to divorce a family member. The answer in your case is that it was about 11 years ago.

Wayne and Tamara

Lost innocence

I caught my husband cheating on me over a year and a half ago. In the meantime, we’ve sorted things out and even bought our first house. What consumes me every day is always wondering if he’ll ever do this again.

I asked him today if there was anyone else, and he indirectly never answered my question. I feel so lost and insecure. What should I do to overcome this?

lady

Donna, the difficulty with staying with a cheater is that you have to believe that he won’t do what he wasn’t supposed to do in the first place. The first time your husband cheated on you, he took away your ability to believe that he is faithful.

We can’t tell you how to get past this. With this man you can only look after your own interests.

wayne