Does it depend on how sorry you are, or on the advice of your friends, on your instinct or your personality type? Let’s take a look at each of these four possible ways forward and see how useful they actually are in answering one of the toughest questions on the planet. I will give each one a score from 1 to 10, with 10 being very useful and 1 totally useless.
As a relationship counselor, I have helped answer this question many times. Each time is different and each case is completely unique. The most important thing is what works best for you, but let’s see what is really useful or not.
How sorry are you? (Utility rating: 3)
Should this be a measure of whether you give it one more chance? For many women it is. But is a person’s degree of regret related in any way to their change? You would think so, wouldn’t you? It looks like this is the way it should work; you do something wrong and you regret it so much that it has a deep and lasting effect. I’m sure this is exactly the case sometimes, but a quick look at the available research will tell you that sorry doesn’t correlate with change. If it were, our prisons would only be half full.
The problem with “I’m sorry,” as you may remember as a child, is that it disappears and as soon as it disappears we are back where we started. Nothing has changed. Many of us who do something wrong regret it, but experience and common sense, as well as clinical research, tell us that it rarely produces long-term changes.
Tips From Friends (Usefulness Rating: 1)
When we are vulnerable, we are even more susceptible to the opinions and advice of the people around us, which is a shame. In an attempt to help, friends will give you advice based on their experiences. This is fine as long as your situation is exactly the same as theirs, which is highly unlikely.
What usually happens when you listen to the advice of your friends is that your dilemma is simply expressed in real people. A friend will tell you to give them one more chance, and the next friend will tell you to throw them away, while you rock back and forth without being able to decide.
Bowel sensation (Utility score: 7)
What we know as “intuitions” are surprisingly accurate. Our intuition has developed over millennia as a way to stay alive, to stay alert, and to make the right decisions in the most stressful situations. Although it goes against established scientific research, it cannot be easily ignored.
The difficult thing is to recognize our instincts for what they are. It’s tempting to ignore them, or worse, misinterpret the desire for intuition. Listen to your instincts, not your heart.
Personality type (utility index: 8)
Show me an accurate personality profile and I’ll tell you exactly if you should give it one more chance. This is not because you have a commission for selling personality profiles, but simply because good, cutting-edge clinical profiles provide excellent, cutting-edge information. Based on this, it is possible to provide accurate information on the probability that people will change or not.
If you really want to know if you should give it one more try, I would take you to the nearest clinical psychologist and have you pass a comprehensive personality test, not the usual questionnaires that human resources departments distribute, but scientifically proven instruments that are used by forensic scientists. to convict murderers (not that your partner is a murderer, I hasten to add, I hope). Have him fill out something commonly known among licensed psychologists as “The Millon” and look up his Anti Social rating, if it is over 65 get rid of it as fast as you can and don’t believe a word it says.
I hope these ideas have been helpful in thinking about the most difficult question on the planet. If you are struggling with this problem right now, take as much time as you need and perhaps try reading how others have overcome similar dilemmas. The longer you give it, generally, the clearer it becomes. If that still doesn’t work, feel free to seek the help of a qualified and experienced counselor.
