It’s a horrible feeling when you know you’re watching your marriage deteriorate before your very eyes. It’s a much worse feeling when you know that this deterioration is potentially all your fault. And that can be especially bad if you’re dealing with something you feel like you should learn to control, like your anger.

Someone might explain, “I am fully aware that my anger is destroying my marriage. And what’s so terrible is that I wasn’t always like this. I used to be happy and relaxed. It used to take quite a while.” to make me angry. That is no longer the case. I have two children under the age of three. I feel pulled in many different directions. I feel incredibly overwhelmed. And I guess because of this, I find myself yelling at pretty much everyone. . My children. My husband. My mother. Sometimes my anger seems to come out of nowhere, but once it shows up, I can’t seem to control it. I’ll say things I can’t believe are coming out of my mouth. . And I will slam the door. Last night when we were having dinner, one of the children mentioned that he didn’t like the food. Typical little kid stuff. I asked him to try anyway. He said no. And I got up, left the table and pushed my chair so hard it made him cry. He asked me when he had turned me into an angry person. I told him I don’t know. He said that he is not sure how much longer he will be able to live this way. He said that he had told himself that he would never put his children through a broken home, but he insisted that my anger is also very unhealthy for them. How do I keep my anger from destroying my family and my marriage?

Well, I’m not a therapist or an anger specialist, but you don’t have to be an anger specialist to know that it’s vital to get your anger under control as soon as possible. And I know from watching friends go through this that women’s anger can be a little more complicated than men’s anger. Because most of the time, hormones are involved, especially after a recent pregnancy, which seems to be the case here. I’m not a doctor so I’m just speculating and I highly recommend you see one. But it would make sense, especially considering the fact that you’ve never had anger issues before.

My first stop would be to test my hormones and follow up on any suggestions my doctor might have. I would see a therapist who specializes in women’s issues. I don’t have to tell her how damaging this can be to her family. Because you already know that. And the fact that you have self-awareness is a good thing, because not everyone does. Many people are not only angry, but also defensive, denying that anger exists and blaming everyone else.

That is not the case here. You are aware of what is happening and you are motivated to change it, which is already half the battle. Even if there are hormones involved that get fixed, I suspect you’ll still have to work on changing your triggers and habits. Because if this has lasted a while, it has become a habit. Once something provokes you, you resort to what has become your favorite method of dealing with it: your anger. To break this cycle, you need to recognize the trigger and then employ a new, more positive approach to dealing with it. Do this enough times and the habit is broken and replaced with a more appropriate one.

I don’t want to make this sound like it’s a case of “mind over matter” because I don’t think it’s as simple as that. I think it would really help to see a professional who can help you see exactly what is going on and offer you the most efficient way to deal with it.

But noticing it and being willing to change are good signs that you have the self-awareness and motivation to change. Your family will be much better and I’m sure you will feel much better too. Because you’re probably suffering from pent-up guilt and shame on top of anger, which fuels the entire negative cycle.

You may want to tell your husband about these realizations because it can help him be a little more patient. The next time this topic comes up, you can try something like, “You’re absolutely right. This isn’t like me. That’s not an excuse, but you know this is not typical behavior for me. That’s why I feel like I need someone to evaluate and treat me. I want to stop this, but I suspect hormones are involved due to my pregnancies and I will need help to fix it. However, I am committed to fixing it. I would like to ask you to help me by supporting me and attracting my attention when you see any anger come up. You know I’m very committed to being the best wife and mother I can be. And part of that means I need to address this right away. I hope you’ll support me in this.”

I feel strongly that he is likely to support you. It only benefits him that you fix this and go back to your old self. And even he has admitted that this is not typical behavior for you. So it’s probably pretty clear to him that you’re not doing this on purpose.