Sometimes I hear from people who were really trying to do the right thing and honorable thing when they told their spouse that they had cheated. They generally felt very guilty, did not want the lie to hang between them and their spouse, and cared enough about their marriage to expose the deception so they could heal and move on. Unfortunately, many look back on this revelation with regret because it has made things so much worse and because they cannot take it back.
I recently heard from a wife who said, “I cheated on my husband with one of his friends. I am so sorry I did that and made a mistake that I would never repeat again. There was drinking involved, but I am not going to use that as an excuse. It was my mistake. and I struggled to decide if I should admit it. I didn’t want to lie to my husband or have something so great between us. At the same time, my husband had always made it clear that infidelity was not something he would tolerate. He broke up with the girl with the that he was dating before me because she cheated on him so I knew how she was going to react. Cheating is bad enough, but cheating with her friend was going to be unforgivable. Still, guilt was almost killing me so I kept going and I was honest. I’m sorry because at this point, my husband says our marriage is over. He says he can’t look at me without thinking about what I did. Sad thing is, before I told my husband about the cheating, we were reasonably happy py. We had we were stayed married and I would have been guilty, but my husband would have been blissfully unconscious and then I had to go and open my big mouth. I know there is no going back now, but is there anything you can do to fix it when you regret telling your spouse that you cheated on her? “
The wife in this scenario was right. There was no going back. It is unrealistic to expect your spouse to forget about the trap or pretend that they never told you about it. Once you admit to cheating, this admission is there forever. That said, you can make the most of the situation and use the time to your advantage. And frankly, while confessing to cheating may seem like the wrong thing to do at this point, that’s something that you may never know for sure about.
Although you may regret admitting that you cheated, your regret does not mean it was the wrong decision: Like the wife in this situation, most people regret having revealed the infidelity when the response to it is worse than they expected. So it’s not that they necessarily regret having done the right thing. Their regret is that their spouse may well have ended with them or the marriage, or at least may feel that way at the time.
However, his regret and regret for his reaction does not negate his knowledge that being honest is the right thing to do. And if you could go back in time and undo your confession, who’s going to know if things would have turned out better? This lie would always be between you. And you would still feel guilty. Living under this type of stress may have negatively affected your marriage as well. Therefore, there is often no perfect result.
Face the consequences of your confession to the best of your ability: I know it can be very tempting right now to raise your hands and proclaim that you give up. This is especially true when you feel like your spouse will never forgive you and can’t even look in the mirror. But to the best of your ability, give yourself credit for trying to do the right thing. Someone who didn’t care as much about good or evil as you or who didn’t care about putting their marriage on the right track would have kept quiet and continued to lie. But you did not. This says something about you. Over time, your spouse may realize this too. Understand that your reactions and feelings today may evolve into something different (and more positive) tomorrow. They may just need some time to process this and evaluate your feelings and desires.
When my husband first told me all about his affair, my initial reaction was one of explosive anger. I couldn’t even bear to be in his presence. But eventually, I came to appreciate that he told me absolutely everything without being forced to and we ultimately saved our marriage.
Making the most of an unfortunate situation: I know it may feel like your hands are tied right now, but I understand that your situation may change. So try to handle this with as much integrity and grace as you can. In this wife’s situation, she could simply offer her husband some time and then whenever he expresses his outrage at the affair, she could tell him that she understood his feelings and that she will support him with whatever he needs. Now, you may not rush to do it right away. It will probably take some time. But, in the future, he will remember his wife’s integrity and patience, and the way she expressed what was correct rather than simply hiding the truth, although it might well have benefited her by doing so. And the wife will always know that she did the right thing instead of the easy and deceptive thing.
I must tell you that many spouses who have been cheated on and who contact me on my blog indicate that they could have reacted more favorably to the affair if the cheating spouse had been sincere. Sometimes when you have to find out about the affair from someone else (or worse, from the person who has been cheating on your spouse), your reaction is far worse than when your spouse had the decency to tell you himself.
