It is the worst fear of every faithful spouse: that their husband is really and truly in love with the other woman. Some husbands are quite honest about this and proclaim their love as fact. Others try to deny it, either because they believe what they say or because they are trying not to hurt their wives.

Some wives suspect that their husband has strong feelings for the other woman, regardless of what he says. Some wives do their own detective work and come to this conclusion and others make the other woman tell all about the relationship. Many worry about what these feelings will mean for their marriage. And this is even more difficult when your husband denies the feelings because you wonder how you are going to deal with this if he won’t even admit the truth.

A wife might have this problem: “The other woman told me about the affair. If she hadn’t come forward, I might not have known about it yet. My husband tried to deny it at first, but the other woman gave me letters on my My husband’s handwriting was obvious proof so he finally had to admit it.The problem I have now is that my husband is trying to claim that he didn’t really care about the other woman and that he is perfectly fine with ending the relationship now. I know this isn’t true because I have those letters. Besides, he’s depressed around here like he’s lost a limb. He’s clearly miserable without her. He says he was just saying what he thought she wanted to hear in the letters and he he’s depressed because he’s so ashamed of himself. I asked the other woman about his claims and she says he denies it. She says he told her he loved her all along. So I’m pretty sure my husband was Y he is in love with this woman, but he adamantly denies it and gets angry when i mention it. Both my husband and the other woman say that the relationship is over. But I can’t move on until he admits the truth to me.”

Understand that the husband and the other woman have very different motivations: I understand wanting and needing the truth. But let me point out a few things you may be missing because you’re so close to the situation. The other woman may have her own agenda to paint a picture of love that may be based only on her own point of view. I don’t deny that her husband may have had feelings for her, but he may have seen her feelings very differently than she did.

What “other woman” doesn’t want to believe that the man she’s cheating on really loves her and thinks she’s special? This makes it easier to justify cheating on her and, of course, strokes her ego. So naturally, she wants to believe that they were deeply in love.

And your husband has his reasons for wanting to downplay those feelings. He knows it’s over. And he has said that he wants to be with you. What good is it to dwell on feelings that may or may not have been there?

I understand that you want and deserve the truth. But it’s going to be a lot easier for him to tell you the truth once a little time has passed and things settle down.

Where you put your attention is very important: Right now, you may be devoting too much attention to his feelings for HER when you should be devoting his attention to his feelings for YOU. It would be different if he wasn’t willing to give her up or if the relationship continued. But even the other woman admits it’s over. So now, assuming you’re willing to save your marriage, the focus should be on the feelings between you and your husband. There should no longer be any place in their lives for the other woman.

If you want, you can explore those feelings once the healing has really begun, but right now, things are too fresh and your husband is interested in continuing his version of things. She may even fully believe that she is telling you the truth and therefore is not likely to suddenly change her version of what she believes to be the truth because you want her to.

Right now, what matters is what the two of you decide in the future and not what happened in the past. At least for now. Because if you constantly focus on the past, you are more likely to stay there. But if you want to put this behind you and move into the future, then that’s where you need to put your focus.

I understand that you need to know the truth, but your husband may believe that he has already given you the truth as he knows it. And he may be more successful in getting this through counseling. Professionals are often quite adept at getting to the heart of the matter, but they can also help both of you deal with it once it comes to light.