Of all the things your boyfriend may say during the course of your relationship, “I need some space” is the most confusing. Your stomach sinks. You suddenly feel nauseous. A thousand things go through your mind, and none of them are good.

Did I do something wrong? Are you going to break up with me?

Did you find someone else?

Thoughts like these spin around in your head, gaining speed and momentum until everything is out of control. You can’t think straight in a situation like this. Especially since you don’t know exactly what your boyfriend wants, or why he said what he said.

Your boyfriend wanting space is never a good thing. The brutal truth is that yes, he could be thinking of ending the relationship. He is in a place where he is not 100% satisfied with the way things are right now.

Now note: I didn’t say I was unhappy. Your boyfriend could still be happy and ask for space, and this situation can be even more disastrous. Because if your relationship is going well and there were no warning signs of any kind? Your boyfriend is most likely trying to use the “space” as an excuse to pursue or even date another girl.

The good thing that he wants space

Okay, so he wants space. It’s not all bad news, and here’s why:

If your boyfriend wants to end the relationship, all he has to do is break up with you. You’d hear things like “this isn’t working” or “we’re not compatible” or the always awesome “it’s not you, it’s me”. These things are relationship ending sentences, meaning your boyfriend is looking to be single at the end of the conversation.

But your guy said he needed space. Or ‘room to breathe’. Or ‘time to think’. Maybe he said ‘we’re moving too fast’. Each and every one of those sayings is type code for this:

“Go away for a while, but please don’t go too far…in case I decide I want you again.”

This is a double edged sword. It’s bad because your boyfriend is trying to get you to agree to a trial break. He wants the freedom to play on the field and possibly see other people, but he wants the security and comfort of knowing that you will still be waiting for him.

In other words, he’s being a selfish jerk.

However, the good news is that your boyfriend does not want to lose you completely. By playing the ‘space’ card, he is trying to put you in a holding pattern. He STILL wants to see you (although maybe not right away). He STILL wants you to be available to talk, text, or even meet with you. Most of all, your boyfriend wants you in his line of sight. He wants to be able to see you, and everything you’re doing, so he can make sure that are not using this trial separation as a vehicle to date other guys and possibly end up leaving him for someone else.

The bad thing about giving your boyfriend space

Okay, so you know he still has feelings for you. It’s okay. But there are many downsides to agreeing to give your boyfriend space when he asks for it, and you need to understand what they are.

First of all, giving him space is like giving him a license to sleep with other people. Even if they got back together after such an event, her boyfriend would always say that the cheating meant nothing because “they weren’t really together”. You know that’s false, and of course he does too. But unfortunately, this is what he will do.

The other thing about accepting his ‘I need room to breathe’ excuse is that the balance of power shifts 100% in your favor. Suddenly you have no control over anything, because you are giving it space. He gets to be in the driver’s seat, because he decides when (and if) the ‘I need space’ thing ends.

During this temporary break, your guy will keep a strict watch on you. He wants you on a leash. And since he’s the one who claimed to have needed space, the worst part is that their relationship now turns one-sided. If he calls you, he’s just being cool and forthcoming. But if you call him? Suddenly you’re suffocating him. He may act all irritated with you, because you’re not giving him “his space” from him, which makes you feel like you’re somehow to blame.

What should I do if my boyfriend wants space?

Ok, let’s get to the good stuff. This is what you do, and what you say, when your boyfriend throws you the ‘leave me alone for a while’ card:

First of all, you must stay strong. The second worst thing you can do is cry or get angry, and the the worst What you can do is beg or beg him not to. By breaking down emotionally like that, you might as well give him full control. From there, whatever happens in your relationship is all his decision, not yours.

Second, you CANNOT agree to their terms. Do you want space? Too. You don’t “make” the space. Either he dates you or he doesn’t, those are his choices, because you respect the relationship too much, and you respect YOURSELF too much, to sit back and wait for someone who may or may not come back.

When your boyfriend tells you that he wants some time apart to think about things (or however he puts it), you say this:

“Yeah, sorry, no. I’m not doing the whole ‘give me space’ thing. If you really feel that way, let’s break up. You obviously have some issues, and I’m not going to stand in limbo while you work them out.”

This is how you go from a bad situation to a better one. Either your ex will start to pull back, backing down on the whole idea, or he’ll catch on to your bluff about the breakup. If he does the latter, you have to hold your ground. You have to be able to walk away from the conversation, leave him completely alone, and tune out for a while. Don’t answer your phone, don’t go online to check emails or Facebook…let it sink in that his plan just failed. Let him realize that if he really wants to continue this “I think we need a break” nonsense, he has a real chance to lose you forever.