When young children are learning to walk, they fall a lot; it is a natural part of the learning process. As a parent, I remember feeling powerless to teach them and scared that my son might get hurt. My kids are much older now, but they still fall a lot, both literally and figuratively. I still feel a bit helpless and scared, and that’s exactly how it should be. Trying to be a perfect parent is a trap: you will fail, and you can inadvertently do a lot of damage to both your well-being and that of your child. Here are five tips to help you break out of the “perfect parent paradigm” and toward a much healthier family experience:
Allow children to dignify their mistakes: Sometimes it is necessary to let children wiggle around and figure things out for themselves. I believe that overprotective parenting is a major problem in today’s society. Parents who “bail out” their children every time they face a challenge in life are robbing them of critical skills and valuable experiences. Clearly, this is a balancing act, as you don’t want to be sloppy, but you also don’t want to be overly careful. Practice backing up and watching your child wrestle a little more often; This may be awkward at first, but it will provide your children with important life skills.
Take a learning perspective towards life: Mistakes when viewed accurately are tremendous opportunities to learn and grow. Successful people take reasonable risks in life. The fear of making mistakes holds many people back: “playing it safe” is a recipe for mediocrity. When we teach our children to see mistakes as lessons, we give them a tremendous head start in life. Consider the word discipline – it comes from the word disciple, which means to teach. When a child does something “bad,” I see it as a teaching opportunity. Help your children accept their mistakes as an indication that they might want to try something different in the future. Never confuse shame or punishment with discipline. Constructive and reasonable consequences should be applied consistently when children misbehave.
“I don’t know” is a gift: As a man in this culture, I often felt I was expected to know things I couldn’t possibly know. Growing up, the grown men in my life seemed to know everything. They seemed to have an answer for every question. I grew up with the weight of believing that as a man my job was to know everything. I was asked to fix or resolve all issues. It wasn’t right for me to “not know”. Whether you’re raising boys or girls, I recommend that you “let them know” of your confusion. Assure them that you’ll “work it out,” but let them see how you solve problems and meet challenges. When your children ask you a question, empower them by asking them what they think or how they think a certain problem should be solved. Resist the urge to be a “know-it-all parent” with the answers to everything.
Sorry is a blessing: don’t tell kids to say sorry, show it by asking for it yourself. Learning to forgive yourself and others is a life skill that everyone should learn. Being a person of integrity is a challenge. It is difficult to take responsibility for our behavior. My wife and I are committed to accountability: we hold our children responsible for their behavior and try to model personal responsibility. When we acknowledge our part in an argument, we build intimacy and trust. I like to say that apologizing helps us get to the “heart of the matter”: we drop our defensive position and discover the humanity behind the behavior.
Your children are your great teachers: raising children is one of the most challenging things I have ever done in my life. My kids test me in every way, pushing “all the buttons.” Taking responsibility for my reactions is difficult. Most of us have learned to defend our insanity instead of exploring and correcting it. I want to grow as a person and my children constantly give me a mirror to see myself better.
The very fact that you are reading this article is an indication that you are open to learning. Our culture has come a long way from the days when parents ruled with a rod of iron and children had to be seen and not heard. However, today there is a trend towards over-parenting. Many of us parents are motivated to try to “get it right.” But “getting it wrong” is a valuable part of the process. I recommend that you stop trying to be the perfect parent and embrace flawed perfection in the awkward moments, heartbreaking pain, and utter confusion that comes with parenting.
