Having trouble dividing creates a wide variety of problems. When you haven’t individualized enough, it’s often difficult to know what you want and need. If that’s the case, finding satisfaction in life isn’t easy. You’re stuck with questions like, “What do I want?” “Do I like X?” “Should I feel this?” Marla * is an example of someone struggling with individuation.
Marla came to therapy at the age of 29. She was a young woman who could find little satisfaction in her life. Her job as a computer programmer for a small retail company offered little satisfaction. He had one or two people at work that he felt some connection to, but he had nothing to do with any of them outside of work. She had never been in a relationship with a man for more than two months. At the time she came to see me, she was using an internet dating service, but she rarely found a man who interested her. His perfectionism resulted in him ruling that most potential mates were not educated enough, not pretty enough, and not rich enough. Marla had two friends from college with whom she had some contact. One, Fred, was in a committed relationship with Philip, his partner of 3 years. The other, Connie was single and also used the Internet to find a relationship. However, Connie frequently found men to go out with and was not as available to socialize with Marla as she would like. Connie was also (according to Marla) very beautiful and this created a lot of envy for Marla.
Marla had always found reasons to keep relationships at a distance. Like many people who strive for individualization, she was very concerned about whether people liked her and found it intolerable to imagine that someone might have negative feelings towards her. To ensure that only positive feelings existed between her and her friends, Marla was accommodating, sensitive to what the other needed, and willing to move on. She was not individed. He only had the vague feeling that he was paying a price for giving up his own desires.
Marla had a very close relationship with her parents who lived near Marla’s apartment. He often went home for dinner or went out with them to a concert or a movie. Marla’s older brother, Ted, had moved to another state where he lived with his wife and two daughters. He had little contact with the family. Her parents viewed Marla as a good girl. She was the one who stayed close to home and kept in close contact.
When Marla confides her unhappiness to her parents, they grow impatient with her. They wanted her to do something to make her feel more satisfied, and they found it difficult to tolerate her unhappiness. They often pressured her to follow up on job postings they found on the Internet or brought her catalogs they had obtained on graduate programs. Marla described to me how since she was a child, her parents always did everything for her. They chose her clothes, they had strong opinions about her friends, they helped her a lot with her homework. Later, they chose their university and decorated their apartment. They still helped her choose her clothes. When Marla expressed a preference, they usually told her that her choices were not the best. Marla’s mother was obsessed with Marla’s appearance and suggested at age 15 that Marla have a nose job. When Marla agreed, her mother’s anxiety about the surgery pushed Marla into a series of panic attacks.
Some children learn from a very young age to be what their parents need them to be. By ‘wanting the best’ for their children, some parents do not understand that they are interfering with their children’s ability to experience life through trial and error. Children need to find out what they like and how they feel. They need to develop the ability to tolerate their own feelings and the negative feelings expressed by others in their lives. All of this is part of the self-discovery process. It leads to feelings of self-confidence and is part of the individualization process.
As we talked in therapy, Marla began to feel that she trusted her parents too much. However, she was in conflict as she was less anxious when she agreed with her choices rather than making her own decisions. As we talked, Marla also began to discover that she was not very clear about what she wanted and was therefore very afraid of making the wrong decisions. She expected her father, a very critical man, to scold her for doing the wrong thing. Our conversation also helped Marla realize how much she loved being the good daughter. It seemed that not developing an independent self was a small price to pay for being seen as the good daughter. It was worth it. But now, at 29, being the good daughter wasn’t enough. However, she was terrified to give it up. I didn’t know there could be a choice between being a bad daughter or a good daughter. But it was going to take time to tolerate the grays. Being a good kid can often conflict with being yourself. Giving up the rewards that come with such a favored designation can be very difficult. The decision to remain who parents see you and want you to be is not easily abandoned.
It wasn’t easy for Marla to keep talking and start taking small steps to find out what she wanted. It was clear to her that she wanted a relationship. But she hadn’t recognized that one of the main difficulties preventing her from pursuing a relationship was her concern that the other would take control or criticize her. She didn’t have the feeling that she could have her own thoughts and feelings in a relationship and that they wouldn’t tell her she was wrong. How could you feel good in a relationship if you were different from your partner?
Marla is finding more men of interest in her online dating and has come to understand that she was using her perfectionism to avoid a relationship. You are beginning to consider that you may have your own opinion or needs in relation to someone you are dating and that it does not have to mean that you will be criticized or rejected. Marla has also been working to say NO to her parents. He has told them that he does not want them to look for work for him. His parents responded well to his request.
As the individuation process proceeds, the self becomes more and more aware of what is satisfying. The individual is learning what I want and desire, rather than what I am supposed to want. An individualized person is capable of making decisions and tolerating the consequences. Whether expressing or receiving negative feelings, an undivided person has enough confidence that they, the other, and the relationship can survive.
* Names and identifying information have been changed to protect customer confidentiality *
© Copyright 2010 by Beverly Amsel, Ph.D. All rights reserved
