I have been dating a married man for the last nine months. He is not happy, but he says that he is not ready to leave his children. They have a teenage daughter and an adult son, who is hers from a previous marriage. She is close to them and has a beautiful house, for which he worked hard.

We walked away from each other because we both felt guilty. However, we are still very close while working on an oil rig in the North Sea and we can’t help but be together for a long time. We feel like soul mates.

Now he has discovered that his wife is having an affair with a man while he is abroad. She doesn’t know me, and she doesn’t know that he knows about her infidelity. I care so much about this man that I felt his pain when he first found out. I want to support him through this. I don’t want to be a destructive force that will be the catalyst for divorce.

I believe in destiny and I hope that the best situation will arise.

Maya

Maya, if a director is hiring violinists and she knows that only one will get the first chair, she will get the first chair. If the first chair is already occupied, the driver is hiring a second chair. If the director knows that a violinist is willing to take the second chair, why would she give him the first?

They both know they are doing something fundamentally wrong. He says that you are his soulmate, but he prefers an unhappy marriage to you. He is willing to lose you. If he is willing to lose you, he does not love you. If he loved you, losing you would be the one thing he wouldn’t be willing to do.

Hannibal Lecter said, “What do we covet? We covet what we see.” Why did this man get involved with you? Because his opportunities were limited, and we cover what we see. But what role can he offer you except the role of helpful lover?

If a relationship is not monogamous and leads to marriage, it does not benefit the woman at all.

Trust issues predominate in this situation. Until one or all of you decide to do the right thing, nothing good will come of this. You are a single woman, available, single. That is the basis from which you must proceed. He leaves these two alone to deal with their mutual infidelity.

Ayn Rand said that we are free to make the wrong decision, but not to be successful with it. The only path to your happiness will come from making the right decisions. You need to be in an open and honest relationship with someone who is free to get involved with you.

Wayne and Tamara

breaking ground

After a two-year relationship, I found out he was married. He assured me over and over again that he was divorced, when I questioned his actions. I need to find out if there are legal remedies for this relationship.

Natalie

Natalie, we can’t provide legal advice, but you raise an interesting question. Should a person be able to lie to another, to the detriment of that person, and not suffer legal consequences?

Some people would lick their wounds, chalk it up to the experience, and move on. But there are others who break new ground, make new laws and fight the good fight. People like consumer advocate Ralph Nader. In the words of a former US senator, he created a movement “whose sole purpose is to keep big corporations and government honest.”

Are you, like Ralph Nader, ready to break new ground? Then you may want to contact an attorney and see if anything can be done. But first you must answer a question. When you asked him over and over about his relationship status, why did you stay in the relationship?

Tamara

Direct Answers – Column for the week of October 25, 2004