We ALL have the right to a life free from fear, where love relationships can flourish without hindrance. Thinking of life turning out this way is often the easy part of the battle. The hard part comes when we suddenly realize we are being used, or worse, abused in a key relationship. What do we do when we are caught in this trap?
I recently heard the story of a young woman who became trapped in a relationship with a much older man, one with numerous “life problems.” She wouldn’t let her do anything without her permission; she couldn’t eat without his permission, she was limited to her contact with family and friends (her life support system) and he, although “he hadn’t hit her”, was physically violent, meaning it was only a matter of time before he did.
What happens in this type of relationship? Not much. He is the tyrant, she learns to submit… or else. Not that it’s like that all the time. far from there He is often very weak and even dependent on her; she feels sorry for him; she has given her reason for feeling this way; after all, “it’s not her fault.” He was raised abusively, or has been mistreated…there is always some excuse. He doesn’t win. It’s lose-lose as the cycle of codependency continues over and over again.
That is only part of the story. What about the extended family? How does this affect them? The woman’s parents are distraught. Suddenly they are deprived of power over their daughter’s life. They grieve over the loss of the relationship and worry every day about getting a call to go to the hospital, or worse, it’s not as simple as just knowing their girl isn’t happy. There are also brothers. There is retribution on their minds; by the perpetrator, or ironically, by what is his sister doing to mom and dad.
It is very sad all year round. However, it continues. There are hundreds of thousands of these relationships going on right now, as you read this. So what is the problem and what do we do?
The problem: Fear rules the relationship. She is stuck with a son of a man. It’s probably not her fault. He has probably been abused himself; how cycles of generational abuse continue is a very sad phenomenon.
Transactional analysis tells us that the man in this relationship is obviously acting efficiently of his status as a “wounded child”. We all have a wounded child state, yet most of us, as we grow into adults, learn that the best way to deal with ourselves and other people is to deny this and strive to be a responsible, reasonable, rational, realistic and logical. . When we are threatened or treated badly, we have a tendency to fall back into that “wounded child.” We begin to behave like a child, who is anything but responsible, reasonable… you get the idea. The problem is that when he does, she is often drawn into her wounded child state to aid communication, a trap in itself. Suddenly you have two adults behaving like children. Not a good recipe for a healthy relationship.
The solution: Even if it were that simple, it never is. You may feel trapped and empathized. Whether you’re caught up in it, whether you’re the parent, brother, or friend, you have it rough. Solutions are never easy, but it helps to define the problem correctly. It helps to see someone (perhaps a trained counselor) for help. You cannot help others unless you are well. There are many good books on “limits”. All relationships need limits. Find out.
If it was as easy as saying, “just leave the relationship,” walk away! I would, but it’s rarely that easy. If the person being abused can leave, she should. Most abusers will not change. It is a fact. They can change, but most don’t. choose for.
He will not change unless he is genuinely sorry; this means that he is prepared to be hard on himself and spare her any anxiety. It is very rare that people are genuinely remorseful enough to seek the proper help and move on with it. It will be a long road and it is better for both parties to break it now. If he changes, he will be better off in his next relationship and he will probably feel more empowered and more likely to change, with a “fresh start.”
If you are being abused, you also deserve a fresh start. In your next relationship, you might take your time and be discerning in your choice of who to talk to. Avoid the loser type of guy. Look and wait for a good boy with a good temperament who will love and take care of you. Seek out the opinions of others about him, especially his closest and most trusted friends and family; he won’t care if he’s the right man, you see, he’s not ruled by fear. Don’t be afraid to include others and ask for feedback from him. And be open to it. Do it respectfully and the right kind of man will respect your discernment this way. He will see it as good judgment on his part.
Tea great possible here is for both parties is new life. It is not the end of the life of the boy who has been abusive; help can show you that it is really the beginning of a new life, full of hope and joy. The life he has always wanted.
© Steve J. Wickham, 2008. All rights reserved worldwide.
