I often have women whose husbands are having (or have recently had) an email affair. They are hurt, confused, and scared. They often want information and statistics on why, how, when and if men return after cheating. Often times, a woman who has been cheated on will doubt her husband’s sincerity when he wants to return. They fear being just the consolation prize when things have gone wrong with the affair.
But here he comes with his tail between his legs muttering apologies and everything is supposed to be okay again. But, that’s not really the case, at least in your head. There are trust issues. There are honesty issues. There are self-esteem issues. You can’t look at him or your marriage in the same way. You doubt that things will be the same again. I don’t know your husband, you, or your marriage, but I can share with you what men tell me (and what my research shows) about why husbands or boyfriends, almost overwhelmingly, finally return to women who love them.
Why your husband or boyfriend is likely to want to come back after being cheated on: Let’s get this out of the way. Most people assume that affairs and cheating have to do with sex or, more specifically, with the fact that the man does not get what he needs at home. Let me dispel that myth right now. Men will use this as an excuse for their actions. They say this because they are expected to. It’s an easy way out, but it’s rarely true.
Most of the time, adventure and deception are the result of your own shortcomings and emotional need. It just doesn’t feel “good” inside of itself. Doubts about his own desirability and immortality begin to creep into his psyche. He is bored with his own company. Often, you are honestly not looking for an adventure, but you find it, and in the blink of an eye, you crossed a line that you will never be able to jump again.
But here’s the problem. When you do this, you hardly ever think about tomorrow or the consequences. You, your marriage, or your relationship almost never influence the equation. You don’t stop to reflect on how you can get out of this situation and when you regret it, it is too late to do anything about it.
That’s when the panic starts. How can you fix this? Making sure you never find out. Promising to be a good husband / boyfriend and making up for it with you. Promising that this will never happen again. This all sounds good, huh? But it is not the reality. You find out and you are devastated. He had counted on you to offer him a safe haven and open arms, but this is not his reality. And now, he realizes that this strange woman is not what he wanted at all. He just wanted a quick fix to his insecurities, but now he realizes there is no such thing.
The truth is that the statistics are very clear. Very few adventures turn into a long-term relationship. much less marriage. It is something fleeting because it was born out of fleeting doubts. The problem is that the fall can be permanent. Because often, when he realizes his big mistake and decides that he wants very much what he just rejected, he has to depend on you to decide that you will accept him back.
Deciding whether or not to accept your cheating husband: I did not say the above to defend your husband’s case. I have been cheated on in the past and I know it is devastating. I would never defend it. But, the fact is that it is up to you how you are going to proceed. You can’t pretend this didn’t happen. Life will not miraculously return to normal. You will have to address this whether you choose to save the relationship or not.
You will need to analyze the relationship and determine if it is worth fighting for. You will need to determine if you can separate the actions of this man from the man himself. You have the opportunity to allow this to be the boost you need to work on loving and caring for yourself. This is one of those rare times when the decision you make here defines your life. There is no right or wrong answer. It’s certainly not a one-size-fits-all. Some women will see adventure as a deal breaker. Others will choose to do the hard work in the marriage because they don’t want to let one mistake ruin everything. This will be up to you, but I would bet you will have a chance to make up your mind as most husbands and boyfriends eventually come back after cheating.
