In life there are always difficult interpersonal situations that force us to examine our conscience because we want to quickly change what is hurting us so deeply.

Is your loved one keeping you in hurtful, frustrating, and confused isolation, and you don’t know why? Have you always been afraid to confront someone you love, because he ignores you and silences you on purpose?

Are you being indifferent and don’t even know why? Does someone who is normally eager to talk to you now keep your conversations to a minimum? And, as a result, aren’t you sure how to respond in a way that re-accepts you in important conversations, allowing you to feel included and respected?

Also, have you ever been afraid of interpersonal conflicts and their consequences? Not sure how to respond in a way that promotes normal and respectful interaction? Are you in a relationship where there is a lot of isolation and rejection on purpose, leaving you in a painful, frustrating, and confusing situation? Do you feel hurt and alone in an intimate relationship?

Here’s how to confront the person who ignores you without making things worse.

STEP ONE: Learn to assert yourself

Probably no one taught you how to assert yourself in the past, and so you didn’t have the skills to deal with difficult interactions… ending up in a place where you feel scared, controlled, or abused.

Well, here’s a way to build your self-esteem and know how to respond to the silent treatment and other exclusionary tactics in a way that respects what you need and also cares for the relationship.

In the past, you might even have developed a way of denying conflict to escape all confrontations, and ended up forcing yourself to hide your deep frustrations, because you feared the escalating arguments would lead to emotional abuse or any kind of conflict. violence? In this way, you justified and denied the emotional abuse suffered by the coldness you received. If it has happened to you, you know that this is the worst loneliness… the scars of mistrust and anger are still there, waiting to heal. You must remember that negative emotions have a persistent impact on your overall physical and emotional health.

You may now begin to see those scars as being produced by a passive-aggressive method of spousal abuse: silent treatment rejection. This rejection is insidious because it’s hard to punish someone for not making eye contact or ignoring another person. If the person is confronted with your question “Why don’t you talk to me?”, the person can easily deny the accusation and explain it. You still feel isolated and left out, but now, you might even be seen as making things up!

Well, now there’s a better way to react than denial, so you stop feeling scared or cornered… no more! Now you can learn how to turn a situation around and use it for better purposes. Then you can learn to use these simple methods in all aspects of your life: work, family, love.

Assertiveness is the art of saying what you need or believe in a way that other people can hear you clearly. This skill is essential for effective problem solving. The alternatives to assertion are submission (letting other people’s needs come before your own, which will happen if you accept the cold shoulder any longer) and aggression: imposing your needs on another person without their consent. Both are lose-lose options.

SECOND STEP: This is the way to assert yourself:

a) have a clear idea of ​​what is irritating you. If he/she is not talking to you in front of your friends, that is clearly hostile behavior that needs to be addressed. What is the behavior you want, instead of this? Acceptance, care, attention? Be clear what you want.

Likewise, be clear and firm about your personal rights as a worthy person; and firmly believe that your rights, needs and dignity are as valid and important as those of any other person, regardless of age, power, function or gender.

You need to define a change you need from someone and/or set boundaries with someone whose behavior is unacceptable or harmful to you.

b) Begin by describing the negative behavior in clear words:

“When you ignore me in front of my friends, like you did last night at Mike’s party…”

then state the impact on you: “I feel ignored and rejected.”

then declare that you want a change: “and I need you to (agree to make a specific behavior change: “remember that you are not alone at the party and behave as a couple with me)”

Its purpose is not to place blame, but rather to provide information about the impact of your behavior on the offending party. Messages focused on the “I” pronoun, delivered calmly, with constant eye contact, and without apology, are more likely to be received as information rather than criticism.

Continued use of this response is necessary to provide the PA person with constant feedback on the impact of their behaviors…which should extinguish them, if the will to change exists.

For your happiness!

Neil Warner, publisher of LOVE, ANGER AND TRUST: EMBRACING THE PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE RELATIONSHIP