I often hear from wives who are understandably extremely upset to find out that their husband has been cheating on them. Unfortunately, many blame themselves at least in part: Why didn’t they see it? Weren’t they a good wife? Is there something wrong with them that contributed to a seemingly good man cheating? Worse still, some of these wives have had failed relationships before, so they are more likely to blame themselves and worry that they are now in an endless cycle of hurtful and bad relationships.

One of them might say, “My mother would probably laugh at my situation if I was still alive. She told me not to marry my first husband. She told me that he was not a good person, but I ignored her. Turns out, she had so right about him. I ended up divorcing him in five years. However, I thought I was going to win the jackpot with my second husband. We met in a support group because we both had the same disease. My husband was very supportive of me. I thought that after the pain of my first marriage, I had finally found the one. We were very happy. I honestly thought we were still very happy. We are both healthy now and I thought life was good. But last weekend, I I found out that he had cheated on me. It was not a long-term relationship. It was at the end of his treatment that he came out to celebrate. He admitted it to me himself and begged me not to leave him. He swears he has never cheated before. I feel like a silly. Here I thought that f He had finally found a good man. I do not know what to do. She loved this man and she enjoyed being married to him. But a part of me thinks something is wrong with me and I can’t maintain a good, healthy relationship. And yet when I look back at my current marriage to see where it could have gone wrong, I don’t see anything. I think I have been a good wife and my husband agrees. So why am I possibly seeing two failed marriages? What the hell is wrong with me? “

I must admit that I am biased even before attempting to answer this question. I’ve dealt with the infidelity. Frankly, I don’t think the faithful spouse has anything wrong with them, at least in terms of infidelity. I admit that in some matters there were marital problems. But this is not always the case. Some people cheat on those in very healthy and happy marriages. And even when there are admitted problems, there are plenty of other options besides cheating. For that reason, I believe that the responsibility for cheating lies with the person who cheated. That’s just my opinion on it. And I have learned that there is nothing positive in blaming yourself. You have tried to view your marriage honestly and you can tell that it was a decent spouse. I’m not sure what else you could have done.

No matter what you see or don’t see when you try to look back, the reality is now. You cannot change the first marriage. You can only learn from that. But now you are in a position to decide what you want to do with your current marriage. However, you don’t need to decide today, tomorrow, or even next week. You can simply collect information, assess how you feel, and watch / wait. You can also see a therapist or read some self-help to help you determine what is really best for you.

It can be helpful to know that people cheat for many reasons that have nothing to do with their spouse or marriage. They cheat when they are in stressful situations (such as illness). They cheat when they have low self-esteem. They cheat when they don’t feel worthy of something. I am in no way defending deception. All people who cheat make a decision. I’m just trying to assure you that a spouse’s cheating is not due to something you did. Come back to them. Not you.

Cheating doesn’t necessarily have to mean more failed marriages either, if you don’t want to. Of course, there are never guarantees. Restoring a marriage after an affair is hard work. But in my experience, if you have two willing people, it can be done. This is a very individual choice. Some will decide that the marriage cannot or should not be saved. Some will feel that it is healthier for them to walk away. But others will feel that it is more beneficial to at least try to make it work, as they are still interested in at least seeing if their marriage could be saved. No decision means there is something wrong with you. It simply means that you are taking care of yourself and doing what is best for yourself. But a failed marriage and an infidelity does not mean that you have irreparable defects, since marriage is a two-way street that involves two people. And it’s not you who cheated.