These are the three main types of conversation most people engage in at work. Each one has its own structure; underlying assumptions; purpose and goals; strategies; and likely outcomes.

The problem occurs when conversation styles are unconscious and automatic. For example, most lawyers are trained and paid to be warriors. They have to unconsciously become proficient in debate skills.

During a chat with a partner from a prestigious law firm, we touched on the subject of interpersonal skills for lawyers. I expressed my professional opinion by saying, “You may be great at arguing a point and brilliant at winning a lawsuit. But those skills won’t help you build relationships.” He laughed with me. “That’s what my wife tells me all the time.”

The differences between the three communication styles (debate, discussion, and dialogue) may seem subtle, but they have profound consequences for issues of conflict and cooperation.

Discussion style: This has been shown to be one of the most common unconscious default styles. This one is more aligned with the war metaphor than the other two.

o Content consists of ideas and facts to support ideas.

o The purpose of a debate is to win, to beat the other side.

o The relationship between the two sides is that of opponents. The strategy is to attack their ideas or arguments and defend their own arguments by demonstrating superiority.

o The reason for listening to the other side is to discover the weakness, both in their ideas and in their confidence.

o The emotional environment is generally tense and lively.

o The likely result is polarization.

People seldom end a debate after they have persuaded others to side with them. There are likely to be hurt feelings. If the debate is formal and intentional, the losing party may feel only disappointment. However, in the workplace, the feelings are likely to be more intense and long lasting.

Thread Style: This is another style of conversation that is very common in many workplaces.

o The purpose of a discussion is to exchange ideas.

o The relationship is as colleagues, acquaintances or friends.

o The strategy is to volley, simultaneously or sequentially, and sometimes explore ideas further.

o The purpose of speaking is to persuade, decide or sometimes impress and entertain.

o The main reason for listening is to find an opportunity to contribute your ideas.

o The content is mostly ideas, facts and opinions.

o The emotional atmosphere can be soft or lively and sometimes heated, depending on the topic.

o The likely outcome is some form of status quo. People often walk away from an argument without profoundly changing their ideas or beliefs.

A colleague once described a discussion as two people or groups launching into “idea discussions” like sports.

Style dialog: The least common and most likely way to transform conflict into cooperation.

o The purpose of a dialogue is to understand, be understood and connect.

o The relationship is first as people.

o The strategy is to share, investigate, empathize, recognize and listen.

o The main reason for listening is to understand the other person better and to look for interesting commonalities and differences.

o The content includes feelings, experiences and appropriate personal information (not necessarily private).

o The atmosphere of feeling is usually open, dynamic and eventually a relief.

o Likely outcomes include greater mutual understanding, deeper self-understanding, new shared meaning, and more clarity about the employment relationship and work.

Choose the power of dialogue for cooperation

Start observing your co-workers in conversation. Using the criteria presented, practice noticing whether the majority are debating, arguing, or dialoguing. Compare the results they are trying to achieve with the style of conversation they are using. What do you observe?

Create a conscious plan for an important conversation that’s already on your calendar. Or think of an important working relationship that you could improve with a good dialogue.

With the help of a skilled trainer or communicator, or with your own discreet resources, go through the following checklist to plan your part of a dialogue.