Have you ever seen a couple dance? I mean to really dance. Waltz, foxtrot, tango. It’s a beautiful synergy of leadership and follow-through. Relationships are a dance. If one of the partners changes a step, the other must follow it or fear falling. And like a dance, relationships tend to follow the same steps. We fight for the same things over and over again because we always respond in the same way. But what if, just once, you react differently? What if you change your usual, normal behavior and respond in a completely new way? Your partner would also be forced to react differently. By breaking old habits, only you can change your relationship for the better and even fix the most difficult situations.
So why is it so difficult? What’s stopping you from creating the relationship you’ve always wanted … on your own?
Why should I be the one to change?
Each of us has different expectations of what we want and need from a relationship. When those expectations are not met, we often feel hurt, resentful, and ultimately unloved. We blame our partner for his continued inability to provide us with what we want and deserve. This leads to the “If / Then Syndrome”. “If he just cleaned up what he made of himself, then I’d be happy.” “If I stopped scolding, I would do more.” “If he communicated more, I would feel closer to him.” It is the ultimate relationship trap and personal connection downfall. The reality (and what we all sincerely know) is that we cannot change another person. It does not matter how much we try. What few have realized is that if one person changes, the other has to change by default. You can “fix” your relationship yourself, but you must start by changing your own behavior.
Why do I have to do all the work?
The truth is that it is not necessary. It really comes down to what kind of relationship you want. Are you really sick and tired of that same old argument? Then try a new way. Instead of trying to convince your partner to change, change the pattern that instigates the fight. Even if you “know you’re right” or have impeccable reasoning for your case, choose a new way. Let’s face it, trying to convince your partner that you’re right hasn’t worked so far. Change your behavior; change your entry; offer a new perspective; or simply, do not react. For example, if your partner is consistently late home and his normal pattern is to get irritated, withdraw in angry silence, or lash out on entering, try giving him an affectionate greeting. I’m not saying this is easy. When you are angry, it is difficult to change your emotions and be positive. But your current pattern is not working. Change the answer and the behavior changes. After complaining that she was the only one in relationship coaching, one client finally reasoned, “I can’t change the input, but I can change the output.” Once he decided to have a nice, relaxing and peaceful evening, he changed his actions. When she also noticed changes in her husband, she finally realized that he had actually received relationship counseling … through osmosis.
Why do I have to go first?
It is the law of reciprocity. People tend to return the same behavior that they received at the beginning. This is true in business, sales, and negotiations. The real question is what kind of wife, girlfriend or partner do you want to be? If you constantly get angry, hurt, and angry, does this reflect who you are? The key is learning to change your reactions to certain situations that reflect the type of person you would like to be, regardless of how your partner behaves. Think of it not as who goes first, but rather as a cyclical pattern or chain reaction. In the end, when you enjoy a peaceful and loving relationship with an ongoing exchange of kindness, consideration, and affection, it won’t matter who came first.
Why do I have to give in?
Again, it is not necessary. In the relationship, you and your partner honestly, sincerely, and genuinely believe that you are both right in your opinions and actions. This dead end can last forever while your affection wanes. The truth is that neither of you have to “give in.” Relationships are made up of three entities: you, your partner, and the relationship. Sometimes we make decisions for ourselves. Sometimes we make decisions for our partner. And sometimes, to maintain a strong and healthy partnership in the long term, we make decisions and choices for the well-being of the relationship. This is not necessarily a commitment, but a real decision to give the relationship what it needs to thrive. If your dream vacation is sunbathing on a tropical beach and your partner’s dream is a snowy ski vacation, they may never convince each other of the merits of each other’s path. Since there may be no compromises, choose what is best for the relationship. Separate vacations, maybe you on the beach with the girls and him on the slopes with the boys, can actually create a loving bond between the two of you. Or maybe, two mini-vacations can work. The bottom line is that you don’t have to change your position (or his). You simply have to change your focus to find the correct answer for the relationship.
Often in a relationship, one of the partners is more motivated to work on the relationship. The myth is that if the other partner chooses not to receive guidance, they either don’t care or aren’t interested in a solution. The truth is, your partner often wants a solution as much as you do, however, you may choose a method other than yours to “work” on the relationship. Or they may honestly not know what to do. Forcing someone to seek help can do more harm than good. In fact, this can become another point of contention in the relationship.
Remember, changing your relationship only means without the direct involvement of your partner … it does not mean without help and guidance. Changing your own reactions, actions, and patterns can make the difference your relationship needs to be amazing. Think of it as creating a whole new relationship dance.
