I am confident to say that in most situations, people perceive the faithful spouse as the victim, at least whenever there is cheating in the marriage. It is true that there will always be that minority of people who think that the wife must not have been loving or sexy enough to keep her man happy. But I think most people don’t really have these thoughts. Most people realize that the cheating spouse is the guilty spouse. Because most people realize that even in struggling marriages, cheating is a conscious choice. And it is the wrong choice.

This is why it can be so unnerving when the cheating spouse tries to act like the victim. This is often an attempt to evoke pity. Or it is done in the hope that it will make the faithful spouse a little more understanding. But that doesn’t mean it’s not frustrating.

A wife might say, “My husband seemed so sorry the day I caught him cheating on me. He was crying and crying and begging me not to leave him. Well, two days later, that all changed. women manipulate me. Women do what they want with a man and then when things go wrong, it’s the man who gets the blame. The other woman flirted with me and told me that she didn’t want anything lasting, but of course she did. Then when I tried to break up with her, she got clingy and practically blackmailed me. And then when you found out about the affair, you acted like we had a relationship. wonderful marriage that was above reproach. You acted all surprised and like you gave me everything I needed when you knew you didn’t. But still, I’m still the bad guy anyway.’ “It’s almost like he thinks he’s the one who got the raw end of the deal, like he’s the victim. Honestly, it makes me sick. How can I make him see that he’s certainly not the victim?”

Understand how you really feel: I’m not sure if your husband really believes that he is the victim. Men caught cheating often have a couple of days where they feel sorry for themselves (for being caught) and wallow in self-pity. Very often, they have an affair at a time when they are already fighting. They may not realize they had the affair hoping to feel better about themselves, but this is often the reality. So when everything goes wrong and they end up feeling worse about themselves, they can feel a great sense of loss and disappointment. This is real, in my opinion. They are not faking.

So while it may sound a lot like self-pity or playing the victim, the feelings of disappointment can feel quite real to your husband. She may or may not be looking for sympathy or understanding. But you can decide how you are going to receive this behavior.

Because frankly, this often comes down to a horrible, unlucky choice. All of us deal with periods in our lives when we are disappointed and disappointed. But when this happens, we can think of treating it positively or negatively.

Your husband made the negative decision and this will potentially hurt the people he loves. Regardless of why she did this, she must take responsibility for this choice. This is what most cheaters don’t initially understand. He may feel pity or empathy for what was going on, but her choice makes him feel anger and disappointment that will outweigh or lessen any pity she may feel.

HWhere you sit is just as important: There’s nothing wrong with letting him know that you don’t intend to treat him like a victim, and no matter how disappointed he feels, this doesn’t invalidate the decisions he’s made.

There’s nothing wrong with trying to spell it. If he knows where he stands, he may realize that taking the path he’s on won’t do him any good. You could try: “What I hear is that you seem to perceive yourself as the victim in all of this. But what you don’t seem to appreciate is that, regardless of the circumstances, you made the decision to betray me, to betray me.” breaking our wedding vows and then lying about it. And you must take responsibility for that. I realize that I will have to take responsibility for what might have been missing from my part of the marriage. Eventually I’ll be ready to search honestly, but I hope you’ll be ready to see the choices you made voluntarily. You may see yourself as the victim and I can’t change that, but I can tell you that if you want to do something with our marriage, I hope you take responsibility for your choices and actions and I will do the same.”

Many men eventually abandon their victim strategy. They come to see that it’s not working anyway. And they also come to realize that it may not matter that much. The past is just that. And now we have to deal with the future. A person may have his reasons for the choices he has made. But ultimately he must live with them. And tomorrow is what matters. Debating who is the victim is not very productive. What is productive is moving forward from here.