Introduction

So what makes a healthy, long-lasting gay relationship successful? Our society certainly doesn’t make it easy for us as gay men to come out and mate with all the homophobia and discrimination out there. Although this is slowly beginning to change in many parts of the world, male-to-male love remains stigmatized and this undercurrent of cultural oppression and hate can put pressure on a gay couple’s budding relationship that many straight couples may take for granted. . As a gay community, we lack visible and adequate positive role models of gay couples who provide hope for lasting relationship success. As men, we have been conditioned to define our masculinity in a rigid and limited way as part of the socialization process growing up and this can create conflict when two people of the same gender come together in search of intimacy and emotional connection. And then we have our own layers of discrimination and pressure in our own gay community that can sometimes leave gay couples feeling unsupported and uninspired to achieve relationship longevity in the one place they thought they would be safe: among them.

While the odds seem stacked against us in the fight for the dream of reclaiming our lawful husband with the house that goes with it, the white picket fence, and the proud rainbow flag firmly attached to the front porch, they need not stand in the way of our success Having to face so much adversity has actually allowed many of us to be quite resilient in the face of stress and makes us good candidates for partnerships with the right focus and determination. There are many gay men in long-term relationships who can attest to the realization of this dream and speak of happiness and bliss in their relationship status. But what are the ingredients that make a gay relationship healthy?

Characteristics of successful homosexual couples

There is no specific plan or formula for how to maintain a long-lasting and successful relationship. One of the beauties of being gay is that we can create our own definitions of what constitutes an ideal relationship for us, since we are not hampered by restrictive gender roles and norms like our straight counterparts. Each couple develops their own unique partnership that works for them. That said, there are some universal qualities that can promote a stronger, more functional long-term relationship for couples seeking long-term connection and happiness.

Successful homosexual couples may exhibit some of the following…

1. They share compatible interests and life philosophies.

It is important that partners have similar interests and hobbies to share in common to build experiences together, but it is also essential to have some differences to complement each other. This helps keep the mystery and intrigue alive in the relationship that exists with the contrast. Who wants to have an exact replica of themselves that they interact with on a daily basis? Bored! What is absolutely critical, however, is that both partners will have a smoother and more satisfying relationship if they share comparable value systems. This forms the foundation of what the couple believes in and is the springboard from which they co-create a vision for their future together as a united front and lifelong alliance.

2. They openly communicate with each other and get involved in each other’s lives.

This involves direct and honest dialogue about the mundane aspects of life right down to the serious thoughts and feelings that are triggered as part of the relationship dynamic. Partners create a climate in their home where each feels safe and comfortable sharing vulnerable aspects of themselves and is attuned to each other’s needs. Listening skills are in place and each feels like an active participant in the relationship. Problems are not swept under the rug and are dealt with immediately in an assertive and caring manner.

3. They handle conflict productively.

Healthy gay couples recognize that conflict is an unavoidable and normal part of a relationship and see these “sticking spots” as opportunities for growth and positive change in their relationship. They deal with their anger constructively, avoid hurtful comments and blame, and take time to understand and validate others’ points of view before engaging in collaborative problem solving to try to reach a win-win solution . They are open to compromise and sacrifice and always maintain a teamwork posture when negotiating their differences.

4. They have a balanced lifestyle that includes both individual and couple identity.

In relationships, it is important to spend time nurturing the relationship and also focusing on individual interests and activities. Too much “couple identity” makes both of you feel suffocated. Too much “individual identity” creates a feeling of being disconnected and living as roommates. Achieving a positive balance of both brings enough freshness and vitality to the relationship where the boundaries are strong and healthy. Each member of the couple feels supported by the other to pursue their own personal growth and goals without feeling threatened because the vision of the relationship is also being simultaneously addressed.

5. They have fun with life and try not to take things too seriously.

Life can be stressful, so why add to the stress with hardened behavior? Successful couples are those who are playful with each other, enjoy a funny banter between the two of them, and feel energized by things like tickles, jokes, teasing, and kinkiness with each other. All things are made with love and this approach to their interactivity creates an atmosphere of laughter and celebration of being in the lives of others.

6. They enjoy a sensual and sexual camaraderie that helps them reach their erotic potential.

The happiest couples tend to report enjoying nonsexual affection in their daily lives through spontaneous touching, verbal caresses, holding hands, cuddling, and massaging. They also understand the importance of maintaining a passionate sexual connection through regular pleasure sessions and keeping their erotic lives energetic and pleasurable. Even for those couples in “open relationships,” sexual intercourse with their partner remains an important component of intimacy for them, and they find ways to satisfy each other’s needs, even when one isn’t necessarily in the mood.

7. They have a supportive network of family and friends who honor their relationship.>

Having the support and encouragement of loved ones can go a long way toward reinforcing a gay couple’s commitment. Surrounding yourself with positive and affirming people can be a huge boost.

8. They are comfortable with their sexuality and are not afraid to show it.

Sexual identity struggles and internalized homophobia can really screw up a relationship unless both men tend to be in the same boat with their levels of externality. Confident and successful gay couples feel comfortable being in a relationship regardless of the environment or the public domain. Whether trying out a mattress at the local bedding store or attending a social function in a mixed-orientation crowd, these couples feel secure enough in their identities and relationships to combat any potential homophobia they may face by proudly being themselves. themselves. Being able to be free and uninhibited is a truly liberating feeling for a gay couple.

9. They possess the following in their society: trust, commitment, honesty, openness, flexibility, loyalty, dedication and devotion, quality time, sensitivity, non-judgmental attitudes, love and not afraid to express their feelings and their passionate side, etc.

These are obvious hallmarks that typify a healthy relationship, but gay men in particular are vulnerable to power struggles, competition, and issues related to intimacy and closeness due to male socialization in their male-to-male relationships. Successful couples are aware of these dangers and work hard to embrace a holistic masculinity that counteracts the stereotypes they have been ingrained with.

10. They attach great importance to their life together and focus on not taking each other for granted.

Successful gay couples realize that the hustle and bustle of life can easily take a backseat to their relationship, but they won’t let it! They make sure to spend quality time together, schedule special “date nights” with each other, and be attentive to each other’s needs. They make sure they are working diligently towards their shared relationship vision, they validate their partner in the way they like best, and they make sure to show through words and actions how much they appreciate their man being in their lives.

conclusion

So how did it go for you and your partner? These are just a few of the qualities that make up a healthy gay relationship and it’s up to you and your man to define the parameters of how it would look and feel for your unique relationship. Use these tips as a springboard to discuss how things are going in your relationship to gauge your strengths and areas of growth and come up with an action plan to make things even better between the two of you.

© 2009 Brian L. Rzepczynski